Last night was a bad night. I knew going into it it was going to be bad. I KNEW. The nightmares were going to happen, I was going to toss and turn and wake up time and time again, and just for funsies I’d probably get calls or texts once I was actually sleeping.
I don’t know what role self fulfilling prophecies play in the lives of believers, but that’s pretty much exactly how my night went. I tried to pray, at some points, but honestly i think i just believed it was going to be bad. I believed it more than I believed God could make it not bad. I believed in my ability to know more than His ability to do. That’s not how i saw it last night….. but i think it’s the truth.
I had some sort of terrifying horror movie of a nightmare and woke up (the final time) and called my boyfriend thinking that maybe hearing him would comfort me. But here’s what’s up with that: sweet, handsome, wise though he may be, C isn’t always great at your everyday comfort. He’s your man in a tragedy, (he’s actually swooped in and “saved” me during two of them!) but he’s just a little….awkward. It’s not something wrong, it’s just who he is. So talking to him was good, but ultimately the joy i was seeking wasn’t going to be found anywhere I was looking.
The morning got worse. I went downstairs to find that I’d actually missed my plasma donation appt, and then THE STRAW TO MY SIPPY WAS MISSING. This is a big deal, people. We don’t joke about hydration. So I’m literally about to burst in to tears over my sippy (uhm, yes, I am 24 years old) and God yells down at me,
“Maritza, you silly goose. I’m right here.”
“God, I’m not looking for you. I’m looking for the straw to my sippy.”
“No, you’re really looking for me. Trust me. I know these things. I know everything.”
And so it occurs to me that when I run to comfort I’m just wasting energy, since the only place I want to be is the only place I’ve ever been: safely in the arms and plan of the One who made, chose, redeeemed, and LOVES me in every way and to the greatest capacity even possible.
The only place I want to be is the only place I’ve ever been. The only love I want is the only love that’s always been mine. And anytime I think otherwise: I’m wrong.