I think I’m officially in the part of the break up process where it’s healthy for me to look back at the relationship and acknowledge my faults.
I wanted to wait, first, because I was a hot mess. And then because in all things I would hope and will that my sights are on God’s holiness, and that everything else be seen through that (as opposed to my usual pattern of seeing God’s goodness through the lens of my circumstances).
Lately, I’ve been taking a lot from quotes. Or perhaps a more accurate way to say that is, “God has been teaching me through the stories of others.” One such instance happened yesterday, when I heard the story of a young, non Christian couple. “They fight all the time because they are trying to find fulfillment in each other. And so they’re disappointed, every time.”
It occurs to me that MOST of the time I am disappointed or upset with a person or a circumstance, it’s not because I’ve actually been wronged, but just that I perceive it to be so. And why do I think thusly? Usually, because I am not finding my full fulfillment in God. I am saying, “Yep, God, you’re great. But I’m not happy or okay with how this other person is acting. So instead of trusting you and asking you to handle it, I’m going to make a stink.”
Now you Naysayers, I know what you’re thinking. Sometimes people do you wrong and you need to call them out or take some sort of action. I agree. But I tell you know with my yes being yes that THAT is not the extent to which I usually take the situation. I will fight and get hurt and cry and despair over something that without an omniscient, omni-benevolent, omnipotent God might be a big deal. But with him, it is most certainly not.
One of the last fights we had was about C doing something in front of other people, but not doing it if his family was around. Because we’d talked lots of times about me really treasuring consistency, and becuase I had asked that he never do anything that he couldn’t always do, it seemed reasonable to be hurt by the switch. But instead of saying, “C, this really hurts my feelings, I forgive you, and I ask that you please consider my point of view.” I went OFF. I told him I didn’t want him to be near him, that it was clear I couldn’t trust his words or actions, and then spent the rest of the day being around, but certainly not WITH him.
I can see why I behaved this way. I can see that, believing that God had called me to this relationship but not really believing he was going to make it good, I felt it my place to correct things, or at least to fret over issues.
But that was dumb, non-Gospel-oriented, and it hurt a dear person I greatly cared for. I say not love because, as previously discussed, love does no harm.
My current prayer is that this lesson will be written on my heart, so that God’s honor, His praise will be upmost in my life. So that I can behave as a saint ought, and not like a scared orphan does. I am not an orphan, I am loved and protected by the Mightiest of all things. And since he loves me so well, it should not be that big of a deal when others do not.
I don’t know my vocab is Austen-y and not Austinite today.