Sometimes, I make mistakes. Usually only when I’m breathing and awake.
Like today. Today, I made lots of mistakes. I’m probably only aware of a very small percent of them, but one sticks out. And I just so happen to have made this mistake in front of a lot of co workers. Loudly. Somewhat humorously (if, like me, you’ve got kind of a weird sense of humor) but mostly just painfully.
I came home and, like a well-put-together grown person always does, threw myself onto my bed and retreated into a nap- the solution to actually, none of life’s problems (at least not for me. I’m better at dancing than I am at napping, and that’s not just because i’m pretty skippy at dancing).
The point is, I COULD NOT bring myself to a point where I could move past this mistake I’d made. People saw me. People heard me. People’s opinions of me might have changed!!!
I quickly ran down the list of things I could, but knew I shouldn’t do (yell at the person I could blame for making me look dumb, send passive aggressive or thinly veiled tweets about my sadness, or even email all the people who witnessed the event to apologize) and kept coming back to it: I just needed to pray. Nothing i could DO would, in this particular case, make anything better. But I couldn’t pray. Ironically, just this morning I was thinking about how good of a prayer I am. Pah! Pish posh, if I’m not in the spirit I’m not good at anything other than ….being bad at things. (Too much iCarly, stunted vocabulary)
I finally, not out of maturity but out of desperation, called my friend, S, who prayed with me over the phone. She made some very good points. Like
- I don’t have it all together. And to some people, that may be painfully obvious. But to others, it may just be a blessing that the girl who is always in a good mood….isn’t, sometimes.
- God promises that he’ll use all things for my good. This is for my good. He promised!
- I just need to be still and know that God will fight for me. Or I’m wrong, and he’ll show me. But either way, I don’t need to waste time or energy fixing anything that God hasn’t told me is broken. I need to lay my control idol down at God’s feet and say:
Yep. Sometimes I’m a donkey. And God is good and he’s working on me and…
well sometimes, I just am.
Do you ever have trouble forgiving yourself? This past weekend at church the pastor said, “I am my worst enemy. The biggest thing I have to get over is myself.” I think it’s true. I think most of the time we’re harder on ourselves than we’d ever THINK of being hard on others. I don’t even know where this is going other than I’d like you to know this:
Sometimes you’re going to make mistakes.
It’s right, and good, and healing, to forgive yourself just as much as you’re supposed to forgive others. Not just seven times, seventy times seven.