Man Poison

Today, I contemplated whether or not I could be man poison.

I talked it over with brosef, while in the pool,  mentioning that otherwise  perfectly capable men can, around me, just completely fail to keep their stuff together.

“Whaddya mean? Cause, when I date someone, I’m dating them cause I’m crazy about them. So I’m crazy, but I’ve got my stuff together.”

ooooh. interesting perspective.

I mean, mostly, at this I’m upset about the fact that a friend of mine kissed me the other day. kissed me in the space right between my nose and my top lip. if you’ve ever wondered how to be ambiguous, that’s how.

Anyway, we were talking about his girlfriend (the girlfriend of brosef, not the girlfriend of the guy who kissed me) and I asked if he was excited to be with her.

“eh.”
“Eh?! What’s the point? Why are you with her, if it isn’t exciting?”
“This, from the queen of rational?”
“Look at me. I’m in love, I’m a wreck. Turns out, I’m a fraud.”

None of this really means anything outside of the fact that today was a good, ridiculous day. I was so FEEELY at work today. I was hurt by one hundred things that were not hurtful. And to be absolutely, disgustingly, i-should-be-ashamed honest, i think it all started with the fact that i was wearing a cute outfit and I felt really pretty and i knew the one person i want to think i’m pretty wasn’t going to see me.

so then i was sad.

then i was mad, cause how stupid is it to be sad about that?

so then i’m even more upset, cause how BANAL is it to first care that much about what I look like, and then be UPSET that i look nice, but won’t be seen by one person (who’s opinion of me, by the bible, doesn’t validate or invalidate the worth given me by the Lord) and then be MAD about it

so i’m swimming in a sea of un-productive as im fighting myself for acting like a 14 year old.

And fiiiiiinally, i just came home, stomped about my apartment and shouted about nothing and everything, put on a bathing suit and swam for an hour before going to get gelato with a fantastic friend.

And the world was righted again.

The morals of this story are:

  • sometimes, immediately after experiencing perfect shalom, i will act like the idiot i am (outside of the Spirit’s leading)
  • sometimes, the solution is just to yell a little.
  • God’s really okay with me yelling.
  • By his grace, so is my room mate.
  • Brosef makes good points.
  • I might be man poison.
  • I might be a fraud.
  • I AM God’s chosen and created and blessed and loved child. If I’m an idiot, at least I’m his.
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One thought on “Man Poison

  1. I do not think you are man poison. You probably know who you are and know what you stand for more than most men around you. I feel like this is the case for most women, especially this age. Don’t let ambiguous signs throw you off. Just because they’re confused doesn’t mean you are! :) lovelove!

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