So a few nights ago, I was having a good round of “What is this man thinking? Why doesn’t someone shake some sense into him?”
And normally, my fire is a good thing. It’s one of the traits that makes me valuable for the kingdom. I will FIGHT for what is important, I will expend energy and effort to assure that my King and his Kingdom are treasured. Sometimes, a fire can awaken a sleeping soul to life abundant. But sometimes is can scar and singe away the little remaining life there was.
This particular night, I was pretty fired up, ready to form some interior monologue of serious sting in the general thought direction of the ex, and I’m reading my Google reader (cause I usually do three or seventeen things at one time), and I come across some unknown blog. Which turns out to actually belong to my ex but hadn’t been updated in MONTHS which makes me not recognizing it much more understandable….
But also means that I read the post (This too is another post for another day – but for the record i deleted it from my subscriptions right after). Enter what took the fire.
See, if he loves me and is being stupid, I often think, “Some one just hand this man a clue. If he leaves right now, like this…”
OR if he doesn’t care anymore, then he can just calm the crap down and we can all move on with life, right? Can we check the not-awakward box and move forward? Nothing like a little one-sided reasoning to make me gooood and self-righteous.
So God, in his perfect faithfulness, showed me another picture. A picture where C put his heart out about something else, about moving this fall away from everyone and everything he’s ever known to follow the path God has called him to. He wrote something like (i removed the post from my reader, so this won’t be a quote) “Pray for my strength. I am not strong (I don’t mean physically, although that is probably true too). I mean strength of will…”
And God spoke to me. About how I am so often so sure that the way I see things is the way they really are. About how if I want something, I pretty much just figure out a way to make it happen, so I think that must be what everyone does. About how I think the man can do anything, so I assume he knows the same. About how foolish and risky that is. God showed me two more scenarios.
In the first, I’m crazy about a man who left me once relationally and is leaving again physically and the fact that I’ll be somewhere he isn’t doesn’t really cross his mind. And shaking some sense in to him (whether it be that this awkwardness does no one any good, or that hey, he’s missing out here) isn’t going to do any good. Meaning productive or holy.
And scenario two, which is much worse: He does still love me. It’s hard and scary and tearing him apart and he’s trying not to control the issue but just to trust God, no matter how scary. (And leaving the one you love, especially when she’s surrounded by lots of OTHER people that love her, is very very scary.) And is this situation, to say ANYTHING to the effect of what I was thinking would not only be non productive. It would be tearing away at the resolve he has to follow the path God has called him to.
A risk I’m in no way willing to take.
I literally breathed out all my air, put down my computer, and closed my eyes to pray. Do I believe he loves me and this is tearing him apart? Not particularly. But on the off chance, I can not tell my God that MY plan is more important than his. I can not even RISK scratching away at the heart of the one I love, pulling him from the adventure and lessons God has for him.
God took the fire right out of me. Amen.