Talking to Jesus about Why I Want

I’ve hit a conundrum in a certain relationship I have.

I have no idea how to move forward. There is really no forward to move. There are only rare, discombobulating instances of interaction. And there is no “knowing,” for me. No planning to be done, no way to anticipate how or when or why, though some situations seem more likely than others.  It’s not enough of a problem to deserve a solution, and simultaneously too much of an issue to ignore.

my pain. this puppy feels it.

 My fix this morning was to pray to God that, though the likelihood was great, I would not have any of these interactions. And I didn’t. Praise hallelujah. I got home for the afternoon, hung out for a bit, and got ready to head back for the evening shift. While calming down the monster that lives on my head and calls itself my hair, I started to pray the same thing I had this morning. But I couldn’t get all the words out. It was like something rang false even in my asking. I changed routes.

“God, am I allowed to ask not to see them? Is that an okay thing to want?”
“Why do you want it?”
“Well, I don’t know what to do! I don’t have a CLUE what to do or say anytime I see them.”
“Why do you need to know what to do?”
“Your plan for a situation you can’t handle is avoidance? Can you think of any alternate solutions?”
“I’m gonna go with … dependance on you?”

He said nothing more. Just left me with pleased silence and submitted peace.

I love so much about today’s prayers. I love that, having an insane morning, He mercifully said yes to me. And that in His perfection, yes was best for me.

I love that, having given me rest and relaxation before another possible encounter, he brought me back to him to re evaluate the situation.

I love that he works through these things with me. Though he knows the answer. Though I’m exhaustingly stubborn and dense. Though He’s big and important, he gives me time and attention.

I love that he doesn’t always just say yes. That sometimes he says no, and tells me why, because he loves me and wants me to grow.

I love that he puts problems in front of me that don’t make the slightest bit of sense, so that I cannot go through my day without looking up and saying, “Uhm, I’m going to need your help down here.”

 Just in case you were wondering- the first interaction I had when I walked in the building was not one of the ones I asked to avoid.

the second was. :)


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