Oh, Mercy

I’m so sorry.

I really should have posted something yesterday. It’s not that there isn’t anything to say, it’s that there are so many things to say that I can’t say anything, I can just barely walk about and keep myself from crying.

source unknown

And you want to know something? If you aren’t okay and you’re trying to seem like you are okay (or at least not be called out on it cause you just want to fly under the radar) you know who you should not walk by? Chris Allman. The man is a professional wrestler and in my experience sees right through to your soul and knows when you aren’t okay and asks you.

Which is really neither here nor there but funny.

I’m thinking more and more of assembling a small host of essays and shopping around for a publisher. waaaaay introductory stages of thought. Probably because I just read “Girl Meets God.” Feel free to comment against the idea or in support thereof. Feel free also to comment a funny knock knock joke.

Anyway, I have the sincere and honest goal of telling you more tommorrow about my internship because I desperately need much more support and because there are sweet, exciting things happening.

But tonite I’m just… i’m just all over the place.  I’m about to start reading a book that my sweet friend left on my desk, a book called Faith and Feelings that I can only hope will help me understand what the crap is going on with that thing I call my heart that isn’t physical and wrecks me out.

I mean, here’s really why i haven’t been writing: i can’t seem to get enough down to make sense. Each explanation need more explaining.  I’m all over the place, even though on the outside it just looks like I’m being uncharacteristically still.  On Wednesday morning, I was walking around HEB on the way home, getting some stuff for the office, when the friend I was with realized she wanted an insulated bag instead of the cooler she’d grabbed. So i took it back. Only when I put it up, I turned around and had this…..sudden episode of dizzy and confusion. I, just for a moment, was completely out of sorts.

Last night, another friend asked me to go out. I don’t know why, i was already in my pajamas, I was feeling awful, but I said yes.

In the car, he asked me if I was okay. I said yes, just that I was having a small identity crisis. That lately I’ve just wondered if I am loved for who I am or for how I make people feel, not that the two are necessarily seperate, and he replied,

“Well, I love you because….you’re amazing.  Not because you make me feel good. Even though you do.”

sometimes i look like less of a mess than i feel

And that was nice.

until i got home and hated that it made me feel better simply because he’s a man and crazy or not I’m questioning everything.  WHY IS CHOCOLATE GOOD?!

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