Some time ago, I got a message from a recently broken-up-with friend. “We should hang out, I think you’d understand me.” I read it and commented to a friend next to me:
“Huh. My friend thinks I’ll understand her because she’s a jilted lover.”
“Well that’s kinda what you’ve acted like.”
“Uhm, well, you’ve at least been healing publicly.”
But I HAVEN’T.
There are a LOT of things that I haven’t said because I haven’t been sure how to say what happened without harming him, C, the guy who broke up with me.
How (and i mean this as an honest question)do I share both how I was hurt (because it’s important to understand WHY I have to heal) and how I’m healing (because I think it is a story worth telling) without possibly hurting people’s opioions of him?
And should I care? If I do him justice, speak truth with grace, is it still my story to tell? What is slander? I don’t want to sin against my brother.
And let’s go ahead and talk about this: people who know him (and by know him, I mean his mom and siblings: Hi T, J, and L) read this blog. And in case you’re wondering, no, it’s not awkward: because I don’t say ANYTHING on this blog that I wouldn’t say any out loud, in front of every grown person I know. (There are some things that little ears need not hear.) So no, it’s not awkward for me if ANYONE reads my blog, and I write toward that.
But anyway, that’s what I’m dealing with right now. I want to tell you this AMAZING story, but I’m not sure how. I do, however, have confidence that God will show me the way, should He call me to go there.
So what does all of this have to do with pursuing the dreams of a jilted lover?
Tonight I was sitting in class, completely enthralled with what I was learning, so excited about every aspect of where I was going in life, looking absolutely forward to where God was calling me, and beaming. The professor probably thought I was insane, but I’m sure my eyes were shining. And I thought about how good God is, and how grateful I was to Him for putting me in a place that I enjoy so much. You ever feel that way? Just like you enjoy every aspect of a thing?
And I thought about how this ISN’T how I was for most of the year, either with C or after he broke up with me. I loved him. I care about him still, but I wasn’t usually very happy or excited about the relationship. There was just a lot of mess to the situation.
Now, let me tell you this, and I hope you’ll just hear it as truth and not as bitterness because I can say it in full confidence and (especially after tonight’s class) joy. When we were together, I didn’t feel this way about being with C, never felt this wild abandon of joy and peace like, “I’m good at this, this is gonna be fun.” Before, when we were friends, yes. But, ironically, once we were dating, no. I stayed with the man because I was in love and because I knew God had called me to it and not called me out.
But I didn’t have the joy I have now, the joy of knowing I’m pursuing the dream God was so good to put on my heart, and that I can do it without the distraction of a confusing relationship.
I think what I’m trying to say is: I’m not bitter or sad about the last 8 months. But I’m wildly excited about the future, I’m totally pursuing my dreams.