You’re Not That Chubby (Part Two)

*****I usually wouldn’t tell you this, but since i KNOW some of you are going to be so worried about me- please know that this is the middle, not the end of the story.  There will be a part three and four in the coming weeks. But in order to be truly honest, I felt I needed to document the whole process, not just the super-happy-funland parts.*******

I mentioned last week that I got weighed in at significantly more than I expected.

I went through the following thought process:

  • Dang. I didn’t see that comin’.
  • I’m delusional.
  • I have no concept of reality.
  • I was feeling really good about how I looked.
  • Maybe I gained 10 lbs. Yesterday.
  • That’s dumb.
  • I’m dumb.
  • Maybe I just convinced myself. Maybe I wasn’t looking hard enough. And everyone was being kind.
  • I guess I’m really not as pretty as I thought.
  • Crap. What do I actually look like?

And instead of being rational, or Godly, I tried to be scientific. By which I mean I came home, put on the most “honest” clothes I could find (intentionally not flattering, but not so much “unflattering”) and took pictures.

they look like pregnancy pics

let's just go there- I'm a single virgin. Not my fault people take belly pics for things other than to test their fatness.

And I tried to look at them, objectively. You know what I’m not good at? Lots of things, including HAVING AN OBJECTIVE OPINION OF MY BODY.

Daddy will always tell me I’m chubby and Lisa will always tell me I’m not and the Holy Spirit only every tells me it doesn’t matter, so I have NO IDEA what to think. And most days, my best recourse is just to NOT think about it, and to instead ask myself if I am a)healthy b) modest and c) comfortable. And if I am those things, that is what matters.

But that’s not what I was thinking this day. I looked at these pictures and thought, “Oh. Well. That explains a lot. I’m so silly for not realizing.”

I honestly don’t even know what I thought I should have realized. I mean….

One Hundred and Seventy. It just sounds like a lot. I felt like I SHOULD be ashamed to weigh so much. I SHOULD care more, be on a diet, exercise- specifically TO LOSE WEIGHT.

i had NO idea what to do with my face. I had no idea what to do with anything.

So i cut off my face- but then this seemed more flattering- which made me think the other was more true, so of course I needed to post both.

I asked my poor, sweet, then dumb-stricken neighbrother “I PROMISE this is not a trick question: How much do I look like I weigh?”

After much convincing he said, “155.”

“Are you shooting under for safety?”

“160.”

“Jill?”

“I was going to say 140.”

And I told them. 170.

Which, if you look it up, for my height, is clinically obese.

Now, having had disordered eating for so long, I knew there was only so much of this thinking I could take, I needed to reign things in quickly.

I was fighting thoughts like:

  • I KNEW it. I can’t actually look good.
  • No wonder he never told me I was pretty.
  • Why did people lie to me and tell me I looked good?
  • How terrible did I look before?

And it’s ugly but it’s honest: I CARED with all that is in me that I was “fat.” I was SCARED with all that is in me for what that means. For those moments. I was totally bought into the numerical evaluation of my worth…..

More next week.

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10 thoughts on “You’re Not That Chubby (Part Two)

  1. Miss Ritz,

    You are B-E-A-Utiful! As a fellow woman, I of course, have had body image issues too. Luckily in the last year or so, I have been able to consciously look at my body and find things that I like. It’s a process that everyone should go through, seriously.

    On top of that, remember that you are intelligent, hilarious, and amazing. We have to be able to find things that we like about ourselves.

    It took me a long time, but after so many days of making an effort to say that I more or less like myself the way I am, I have been able to accept my body and appreciate the beauty of it and others’. This is what we were given. We should love it. :)

    • mwah! Thanks rox! and this funk didn’t last long, but I remember the days (years ago) when this was my every-day state. I want people to know- it doesn’t have to stay like this. And to know, sometimes, you’re going to have days where you DO think like this. Anyway, thank you for your comment. I think you’re pretty swell yourself! ;)

  2. For serious,

    This -is- a completely objective point of view. In fact, I don’t know you, have never heard of you, and could frankly care less what you think of my comment/me.

    BUT, according to those pictures, could not be a lb over 145. Seriously, you look fantastic.

    I skimmed a few of your posts and you seem to be into “jesus.” Now I don’t believe in your god, but I’m not one for telling lies. And the flat out truth is, you’re beautiful/sexy/gorgeous/thin/etc. etc. etc.

    Don’t sweat it. :D

  3. I find it humorous and confusing how girls seem to have the tendency to hide the numerical value of their weight. As if to suppose that a number can tell you something additional about how someone looks that your eyes can’t see…because, if your eyes can’t see it, then it doesn’t have anything to do with looking. I suppose if one was interested in calculating density, then such a value would be important, but I’m not aware of any guy who thinks so scientifically when looking at a girl; though, for the sake of purity, this would be a good thing.

    Exercising merely to lose weight is ugly. It is a paradox, or a contradiction, that girls do many many things in an effort to appear beautiful that are very very ugly. This whole business is rather silly for many reasons. This whole business is a losing game. There is such thing as pornography, it’s about 1/3 of the internet, if anyone wants to see beautiful bodies, to the point that they are unsustainable or actually artificial, it is there. There is not one who can compete with that, they can’t even compete with that, because it is unsustainable or artificial. There is physical beauty, but it is the height of ugly.

    There is great and lasting beauty in modesty. I do not know how well I speak or think, but I cannot form words or phrases to describe how deeply, shockingly beautiful the girl is who, in place of exercising or adorning her body, she does so to her heart (1st Peter 3:3-4). I’ve heard many men say many vulgar things about the beauty of many women, but this is the kind of beauty that takes away speech. This is the kind of beauty that worships God.

    • Actually Joseph, as far as I know there are two main motivating factors for hiding one’s weight (numberically) certain dress can accomplish amazing feats when it comes to masking weight/ accenting “good” features. One may look much…smaller than the number would convey.

      Also, I’m just going to say this: I don’t want to weigh more than guys. It doesn’t have to make sense, it’s just the truth. Something about me feels (not IS, just FEELS) unladylike, ugly, or wrong to weigh more than a man.

      And don’t tell me I’m wrong because I get that it’s dumb, I just like to be dumb in public, where other people can see it and think “Huh, I’m probably being dumb too.” And then maybe we can all stop being dumb, rather than being dumb in the secret.

  4. Dear sweet Ritz,
    I read this and the post before it and I see so many thoughts that I have struggled with. For the record you know what I think of those medical charts that state for this height you must be this weight? I think they are flat out crap. You remember what I looked like in intermediate school, high school. I was fairly athletic, strong and extremely active. I was OBSCENELY obese according to those charts. Since I reached my adult height I have never weighed less than one hundred and eighty pounds.

    Recently I joined a weight loss clinic, as my health is not what it once was due to a bunch of crap but that is beside the point, one of the doctors with this clinic made a point of telling us that those charts are a guideline. That a healthy weight for an individual is subjective and has a lot to do with where the weight is distributed.

    Your weight is in all the healthy beautiful places it belongs, in the places that make you look soft and feminine. You are a beautiful woman Ritz. You have always been beautiful and you always will be. I say this to you as someone who knows you well enough to know that even if by some act of (and this is a lot for me to say as you know I am not that religious) God that you got to the size I am now that you would still be beautiful. Your inner beauty, your spirit, is what has always shined about you.

    I have never met anyone with a heart like yours Ritz, and I doubt I ever will. You are an open, honest and affectionate person, and no one with that much love to share with the world could ever been seen in a negative light.

  5. “i don’t want to weigh more than guys….something about me feels unladylike, ugly, or wrong to weigh more than a man.”

    ritz, do you look at other women who happen to weigh more than most men and think that they are unladylike or ugly or wrong? i doubt it. that’s not the type of person you are. so why would you hurl judgments like that upon yourself and any woman reading this who struggles with that issue? i know you’re just being honest, and i appreciate that so very much, but statements like that can leave scars on our hearts. we are lucky enough to be adored by the savior of the universe who looks beyond the exterior all the way into the depths of our soul and loves us anyway. i know what issues like this can do to one’s mental state. i know the worry and the stress and the hurt and the fear! i know how it can consume you and restrict you and i know how it seems like such a huge issue. but when we really evaluate what’s important in this life, what really matters, weight is just a drop in the bucket. i know this isn’t the end of your story, i’m GLAD this isn’t the end of your story, and i look forward to reading the rest. know that you are beautiful in the eyes of our creator. what the world sees or doesn’t see pales in comparison to that truth. <3

  6. Now please do not take this the wrong way, I just want to address the commentors of this blog.

    From first reading, it seems as though many of you are leaving comments encouraging Ritz to be confident about herself because she is beautiful, and sweet, and a strong woman, etc. When I read these comments, I do not disagree.

    But, and this is a big “but.” The point of this blog was not Ritz confessing her struggles with body image and weight. The point of this blog was Ritz telling the world that even though at times she feels this way, Jesus tells her different.

    Jesus tells her how beautiful she is, even when she doesn’t feel that way. Ritz finds her worth in Jesus. This blog was a proclaimation about finding your worth in Christ, and an exhortation to find your worth in Jesus when the world tries to tell you different.

    I do not mean to be harsh to the commentors, and I am sorry if I was. But the truth of the matter is that this is a blog about Christ telling us that we have value, and that our value is not found in earthly things.

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