The first conversation I can ever remember having with Chris, the ex, was one night at the church offices when he walked up to my general direction, made nose contact (as in his eyes and my nose) and said,
“Hi,” i reasonably responded.
“I uh…I like what uh…. whatcha got going on…here.”
He was in some manner referring to my outfit and it was adorable instead of creepy, like it reads. However it was awkward at the day is long and I had to slap my hand over my mouth with a quickness (because I find that men in general, no matter how sweet and wonderful, don’t take well to someone laughing in their face, even if it’s just because they’re so cute). Composing my self to some semblance of normal interaction, I responded,
“Yeah I…I always like what you wear.”
I looked at him with what I can only image were eyes full of the wonder I typically hold toward a new person, especially one who so clearly is out of their mind at the moment, which it turns out made the situation worse because honestly, he’d tell ya, the man loses his marbles when I look him in the eyes. (Unless I’m crying. Ironically, crying eyes he can handle. Wonder eyes make him lose his words. Or made, this is all very past tense.)
I didn’t know him at the time. Not really. I knew of him, knew his sisters who I loved and the rest of the family who I enjoyed, but I knew him least of all, and could only tell that he was acting/talking very out of his comfort zone (I’m an extreme empathizer, so it’s near inescapable for me to know these things) and I could see only two options.
I went home soon after, where I was living with my discipler and her family, and told S,
“Either Chris V has a crush on me, or he’s the most awkward human being I’ve ever met.”
“Isn’t he like…18?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
(Not incidentally it was a few weeks before my 24th birthday, which was two weeks before his twenty first).
We started calling him Q after that. (In reference to the Q document, as much study suggested the existence of affection, but no tangible evidence surfaced for a while. Yep. I’m a Bible nerd wannabe.)
Fast Forward thirteen months and you’ve got a relationship, a break up, four months of confusion and well-meant stringing along, a hard, strong separation from all communication and finally, tonight, when God sweetly revealed to me that my heart is finally healed.
You see I have a memory of some point this past spring, Chris driving his car with me in the passenger seat, us holding hands, the wind blowing, sun shining, and Train’s Hey Soul Sister playing on the radio. He got a broad, wonderful smile on his face and bobbed his head side to side with the music. My heart was overwhelmed with love and happiness. Since the break up, I have been completely unable to listen to the song without crying or screaming at the radio. It hurt to much, to be so prominently reminded of the one I loved who chose not to love me.
I’ve said for a while that I’ll know that I’m over Chris when I can listen to that song.
And tonight, I did….
(that means you should check back in tomorrow)