On my support raising blog I recently posted about how living in the intern apartments isn’t like F.R.I.E.N.D.S. (the show) because we don’t date each other. There are no romantic interests amongst us. Soon after, I blogged about how I have two delusions: The first being that I fly under the radar, the second, which I at the time declined to explain, is …..
That men (guys, dudes, whatev…straight males) will hang out all the time just because they are good friends, nice people, and not have any romantic feelings for you.
Oh wait, I’m getting ahead of myself. I can’t tell about how it is (a very very little ) like F.R.I.E.N.D.S until I tell you what happened from April-August. Let’s call it the great Aprilgust debacle.
In short (ha. ritz version of short) after Q broke up with me, we had a pattern.
Unexpected long, incredibly intimate (feeling NOT physical) contact.
All the while to most of the world (other than the cat outside of First Tuesday and the couple on the other couch at Bennu) looking like we’re just well-adjusted, formerly-dating people. It was INSANELY complicated. Here, I drew a picture.
That quote at the top/side, from one of my pastors/elders/bosses says “You can make it simple or you can make it complicated…I recommend simple.” It had nothing to do with the diagram, nor did the “laid back bombshell” magazine clipping. those are just the things that ended up on the same page that I used to explain to a co worker why I was crying. Afterward, she nodded and patted my back. ;)
I think I can confidently say we were both operating out of very confused places: Me, because I loved and wanted to be with Him and didn’t understand why, if he loved me, he wouldn’t just choose to make it work. Him, because He thought he might love me, but didn’t feel like he could do anything about it. (I still don’t understand. But lots of things happen that I don’t understand. Doesn’t make them uh-happen just because I don’t get it.)
So there was all sorts of WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU THINKING going on, until finally one day a sweet friend pointed what she saw, that my poor heart COULD NOT TAKE the “I’m in love with you and I’m coming over to talk but next week I’m going to ignore your phone call.” routine.
Meanwhile, I still had a relationship (complicated albeit nowhere near AS complicated) with the rest of the family. Lookit all them lines up there! Our lives were like an ill-packed string of Christmas lights pulled out of the box the next November. I was so confused about my relationship with Q that I didn’t know where I stood with the rest of them. So I sent his mom, Super Mama I might call her, a facebook message confessing that I had no idea how to act around the rest of the family, and that every week ( yes EVERY week) when the baby asked me to come over, I had no idea what to say.
She was FLOORED. She had no idea any of this was going on. (I didn’t mean to tell on him, i just thought she knew, and that THAT was why I wasn’t welcome over anymore. Turns out I WAS welcome, they were just busy.)
So she, in her SuperMama wisdom, showed the message to Q. I would never have thought it would happen, would probably in most other circumstances have hated that it happened, but I’ve learned over the year to trust Super Mama, unconventional though her methods may sometimes be.
Something about seeing my hurt (devastation, really, I was a lost thing) expressed to someone else made it click. It broke him.
He took me out to coffee the next day to tell me (though, in typical us fashion it took about 5 hours. Yes. Literally. FIVE HOURS) that he thought it best if we had no contact until he comes back from Oklahoma in December to visit his family in December…
That is a lot of words. Still interested? Well, I’ll give you more tomorrow, if you want it.