You might think, at this point in the story, that I’m an idiot.
(not so)Secret: I am an idiot. All the time. In so many ways. It’s kinda the point. I’m not good enough but God is and He makes me lovely and worthy of love.
That having been said, I’m not always as unaware as I may seem. So when I started hanging out with a DUDE I did take into account that I’m a GIRL (I will not quibble over appropriate titles. I will use ridiculous ones to be funny but I will not use “boy” because I find it demeaning and false.) and that I’ve seen enough romantic comedies to know that dudes who hang with girls sometimes develop feelings for said girls.
But… I was in the deep midst of pain over the LAST friendship that…got out of hand. ;)
And I thought, for whatever reason, that his heart(Hoyt’s), a heart healing from such pain and difficulty would be a heart oblivious if not callous to even the idea of romance. Beyond that, the man spent a good portion of the first few months of knowing me either hearing how much I loved Q, or how much I wish he still loved me.
So yes. I did consider the idea that PERHAPS, this could become an issue. But I thought it about as likely as…oh crap, what’s something that’s really really ridiculously unlikely?
PLUS, I was pretty sure he wasn’t over his ex, AND, it came up more than a few times when people would sometimes hint that (or sometimes outrigtht ASK if) we were dating. And never, not ever, not even once did he HINT that there was anything going on.
So it’s not that I didn’t think about it. It’s that I did, and laughed.
Even when things started changing. Even when the attention stood out…more than before. Even when I noticed him getting awkward sometimes, even when I said, “I think Hoyt might have a crush on me.” And was met with the response, “Duh.” (yes, people DO still say duh). No matter how much it SEEMED like something was going on, I fought my suspicions (and sometimes, just fought with him) and the WHOLE TIME, every time, he brought up nothing. Well, not nothing….
“Why are you awkward?”
“I’m tired and distracted. Busy at school.”
“What’s going on right now? Why is this so weird?”
“I’m sorry- I really missed my dad today. It’s got me in a funk.”
“Are you upset that I hugged that other guy?”
“No, I just am not sure about hugging you because I don’t want people to think we’re dating.”
And all of these things were true, they just weren’t all…