I am simultaneously giddy and terrified to share this.
Giddy because it was so sweet, funny, responsible, and mature.
Terrified because it didn’t result in a relationship. It resulted in severing a friendship.
But I never knew someone could be so ….responsible about romantic feelings!
So I share. I share for sweet gal friends who need to know, and for dudes who could use a hint.
So…. we left off on the stairs. Me, a frump-a-lump, half asleep, sippy in mouth, sitting on the stairs. The MOMENT I sat down, Hoyt began,
“Ritz, I like you. I definitely have feelings for you. I think that you are one of the most Godly women that I’ve ever known, and that you love Jesus almost more than anyone I’ve met. And I think that you are amazingly beautiful, and I would love to pursue a relationship with you. However, I know that you are called to singleness for the next six months, and I would never do anything to keep you from that. Our friendship is the most important thing to me and the reason that I am telling you this is not because I want to pursue you right now, but because I don’t ever want you to think that I am lying to you. But, I do want to pick up this conversation again in six months.” *
WHOA FREAKING NELLY I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING. I would LOVE to say that at this point, I was calm. I was cute, I was collected, I was surprised but I handled myself well. I would like to say that I looked like this:
And that I said, “Okay, I hear you, so what do you want to do about it?”
None of that is what happened. Really, I made this face:
And my response, after ugly-faced silence, was, “Could you repeat that? Cause I heard ‘I like you’ and then…noise.”
“Uh-huh.” And he did. Three times. Because he is kind when I don’t understand things and takes time to explain them until I do. Which this night took three hours. And even then, I didn’t actually understand. It took me the following hours (didn’t sleep) and days to understand the gravity of the situation.
The gravity that for months, this man had known he cared for me as a friend, but also with romantic feelings. And that (he clarified that night) he waited at first because he saw no benefit to addressing the issue while I was still in love with Q. And then once I was over it, I wasn’t available. And he KNEW, I mean he’d heard me say so many times, that I HATE dishonesty and don’t trust guys who “develop” feelings and I don’t want to ever date again and…. a whole bunch of other things that just make a dang impossible situation. So he had two choices:
Bring it up now, when he couldn’t do anything about it,
or wait until I was done with my six-months-of-singleness and risk me losing all trust because he’d been “lying” to me the whole time he didn’t tell me.
Ultimately, he got Godly advice, prayed about it, and thought the easy thing to do would be to lie, at least in part, and say nothing. But the right thing, the honest, Godly, hard, risky, and best-for-our-friendship thing, was to tell me.
The thing that most impacts me (though so much of it does) is that in telling me, he explained everything I had questions about (and I had questions for WEEKS) and the answers he didn’t have, he figured out. He left ZERO room for ambiguity. About how he felt. About what he wanted. About what that meant for our friendship. Not making it bigger or smaller out of self-preservation. It was riskier to do it that way. Left far more room for rejection. But he didn’t want me to worry or wonder. That, peoplefriends, is just really stinking impressive to me. And it will now stand as a marker of manliness.
*In case you are wondering, the is the “script” he sent me when I said I wanted to blog it. He’d been planning for months, so I knew he probably had it down. So, yes, he knew I was going to blog all of this. We talked about it. I wouldn’t have blogged it, otherwise.