It’s how I feel RIGHT now.
Today (Sunday, when I’m writing this), for the first time since Halloween, (geez is that true? we made it three weeks?) I saw Hoyt. We made eye contact and he respectfully sorta nodded his head and kept walking.
at which point I
jumped on his back. But I was quickly relieved from any further interaction (read: quickly by God’s grace kept from further folly) by the ONSLAUGHT of amazing mutual acquaintances who were also at Whole Foods this fateful afternoon.
Oh feel free to MARVEL at the insane amounts of intelligence and wisdom I’ve got going on….(sarcasm) and how much of a boundary-pusher I’m not (again, SARCASM).
I bought him a birthday present last week, even though his birthday isn’t for a month, because it’s freaking PERFECT for him. And because I thought that this whole total separation thing was for me. Like, so I wouldn’t get distracted. Didn’t think what it could be doing to him because I don’t know how he feels because I knew how he felt and every day is a new day that could hold new feelings, right?!
Oh, hell, I’ve got to explain more for this to make sense. I’ve got to not let myself off the hook, like I’ve been doing for weeks now, talking aaaaaalllllll about his feelings but carefully neglecting to talk about my own.
I’ve talked about my rationale. My logic. My commitments.
notsomuch my feelings.
strange comfort– the garauntee that neither Q nor Hoyt read this blog. Huge relief that I can just be honest and open.
yeah. honest. open. imma get on that. tomorrow.