Not Letting Myself Off the Hook

How do I explain this? Let’s try a timeline.

Oct 9, i get a text asking me to talk.So I got listen, and talk, for three hours. Because my good friend and neighbrother says he wants to pursue me, once my SMOS is over, if I’m okay with the idea. This comes pretty much out of nowhere for me.

this is Hoyt preparing to catch a cricket. most of him, anyway.

For the next three weeks, we try to figure things out, figure out how to proceed as friends, knowing he has feelings for me, knowing I’m called to singleness. Remarkably, he never asks if I have feelings for him. Remarkably, I never think to offer. I never even really question it. I’m not allowed to, right? I’m not allowed to wonder, to think about romantic feelings. Right?

Except, of course, I do think about it. And It takes little time for me to realize that even if I don’t have feelings for him, I love attention. And my wicked heart will take advantage of affection, I will not be authentically single letting and inviting God to fulfill my every need-

i’ll be distracted. I know my heart, I know my mind, I know my call, and so it doesn’t take long to know that we can’t be friends anymore, at least not now.

But I want HIM to figure that out. I don’t want to be the one making rules or drawing lines.  So I wait. We’re both supposed to be praying it out. I let him pray. We don’t talk much in the meanwhile. Him waiting to hear, me because of what I’ve already heard.

Finally, October 31, we got out for a drive to talk. He explains that he already knows he wants to pursue me, that being my friend will not distract him, but to keep from the temptation or pursuing me too soon, we will only hang out sometimes.  He has prayed through and set distinct, strict guidelines, so as to have no ambiguity.  Its a little awkward, and yet wonderful, that it has taken him so long to discern, because he has been so specific in prayers.

What he has NOT considered is that it would be a distraction to me.

I tell him we cannot be friends and end up in the car with a very mad scientist.  I try explaining that I can’t maintain a balance in this situation. I need an all single and nothing romantic. And I cannot seperate myself with him from the idea that he has feelings for me.

He stops the car and asks “Wait a minute. Do you have feelings for me?

oh crap.

“I…I don’t know.”

Mad scientist transforms into a suddenly potentially-very-excited-but-trying-to-hold-it-in-and-be-cool-guy.


oooooohhhh crap.


one time, he let me shave his head. only even slightly related because even the smiley looks awkward.


We come home, he sends me a meeting request for March 5 (after the SMOS is over) and for “Hoyt and Ritz Closure Festival” at which point we will … i suppose talk about whether or not I do have feelings for him and will let him pursue me (although I never want to date again, and he doesn’t specify what pursuing IS).  The he deletes me from his phone, facebook, googlereader, twitter, and The City. Leave no social medium unturned.  ;)

Nov 1-now. I quickly, repeatedly, realize: He’s amazing. I mean he’s not just my-great-friend-across-the-hall-who-I’m-going-to-miss amazing. He’s my possibly-best-friend-who-understands-me-more-than-anyone-and-just-so-happens-to-have-character-that (now that I notice)-inspires-and-intimidates me-amazing.

oh, crap.


yeah. g'bye.


One thought on “Not Letting Myself Off the Hook

  1. Pingback: The Timeline to Dating Hoyt «

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