What’s silly is, before Hoyt said anything about having feelings for me, i was SO SOLID on not having feelings for him. And had he not said anything (and I’m not saying he shouldn’t have) I am quite confident that I would have had a jolly old go of the SMOS, nary a concern of distraction….
other than Q. Which if nothing else (but, oh, there is so much else) this whole six-months-of-singleness-and-your-neighbrother-likes-you thing has been GREAT because it’s really shed some light on my heart about Q.
The night (Halloween night, causing me to miss Zombie Prom!) that Hoyt and I talked about how we should continue our friendship in the SMOS I was still confused about my feelings for Q. I knew I was over him while he was gone in OK, but there was this doubt, this uncertainty….what would happen to my heart if he (Q) was right in front of me? Would I still be over him? Or would I always need to stay away from him because I’d always be lost with him?
But in the days and now weeks since that night, I’ve come to realize, to see, without bitterness (finally) that the lack of resolution or action that so typified my relationship with Q is not something that just happens- is not…wait…let me speak in positives.
I’ve come to see that some caring is caring that results in ACTION and RESOLUTION, it makes tough decisions and STICKS BY THEM. It keeps making them, every day, in each new circumstance, because it, this caring, is important, it colors every day and many thoughts in that day. It is constant and it is overwhelming.
I’m not used to it. I push, at times, against it (see the post from Thanksgiving).
I’m not sure what to do with a caring that so reflects Christ. How can one person expend so much energy and concern…on me? And why?
I don’t understand this caring. And I say caring (and i do not say love because seriously (wisely) the man made SO clear SO many times that he had feelings for me and didn’t love me. clarity. hoyt uses it.) because I don’t know what else to call it. But it’s intense and it makes a lot of other things look a lot less appealing.
wordswordswords? (word swords words ;)