-Part of the Six-Months-Later-Series-Written Summer 2010-
Let’s be honest: the man’s not capable of winning at this point. Either:
He acts like he’s in love with me, it tears both of us apart that we aren’t together. (One might ask, then, why aren’t we together. In all honesty, i just don’t think that, even if we both are madly attached to each other, we’re mature enough to know how to do this right now)
He acts like just him, a person I adore, and I want to play and hang out and that makes him want to feel like he’s in love with me, back to scenario one.
Or, he stays way the hell away from me, ignores me even, because it’s the closest to healing he can get, and it hurts my feelings like crazy. I am not crazy for hurting due to being ignored. Moving on.
OOOOOOr, like yesterday, he sees me after going away for a while, re focusing on priorities, getting a lot of healing and treats me….. not like he treats anyone else, but not like I want to be treated. Like he’d prefer me not be around, like I’m a bother. And yes, it makes sense because he’s just trying to kick this darn heartache, he’s tired of every song reminding him of a woman he loved and can’t have, of mistakes he can’t make up for, of a path he wants and can’t take. Of things he just, according to his reasoning, can’t do anything about.
Does it make sense that he would do any of these things, that he has done ALL of these things, within the last month? yes.
Does it make me happy about it?
Because what I want is above all consistency, and while we’re at it, consistency at loving me, at loving me enough to make plans and figure things out and yes, goldarnit, work for it sometimes. Because we WORK for the things we want. Because we WANT them. And they are worth it.
And because if not, I feel like it’s because I’m not worth it.
It’s a lie, though. There are lies the enemy throws at me, and this is one of them. I will believe, (in times of doubt and pain where light is blotted out by sin and grief and I, like nebudchanezzar, am as a beast of the field,) that I am not worth it. But God’s blessing is that eventually, i will turn my eyes to the heavens and my reason will return to me. The truth about my worth is that it is infinite, because a God of infinte love and mercy sent himself, his son, down to the miry clay to die for me and come back to rescue me, that he LAVISHES me with his Spirit and every spiritual blessing.
And sometimes, I blog just to walk through all the idiocy so I can come to the other side, see it for what it is, and throw some Gospel at it.