***Note: While I’d like to break it to the blogverse a bit more gently, i think the inner circle will be confused if I don’t state for the record that Hoyt and I actually broke up about a week ago. This post (and the next few weeks of posts) don’t reflect that. They were written when or before we were dating. But we dated well, and nothing went wrong, we just weren’t supposed to keep dating. nonetheless, i think there was a lot to be learned from the process that I wanted to share. So here you go. *****
I might as well explain how this happened.
You may remember that Hoyt and I cut off all communication at the beginning of November. See here.
Well, almost a month later, Nov 29, Hoyt attended a funtion where he was a speaker. It was the kind of thing that would be nerve wracking for anyone. I realized that I wanted to reach out, to …. tell my friend that I was praying for him and he’d be okay. That one of his best friends was there for him. But I wasn’t. Not really. Because of my selfishness, because I’d let my thoughts go so wild in the past and didn’t want to go down that road again (another way to say this is because of my SIN of not keeping my thoughts in check in the past, and now not being equipped to fight for a controlled thought life) I
on the friendship. I just totally checked out. Left him hanging. And then kinda jacked with him when I jumped on his back that one time.
That’s what I did. But I didn’t see it that way. Not until
Nov 29 – I realize I’ve been a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad friend. It kills ALL wild-thought-running (and for the sake of being clear, i mean thoughts about relationships. Flowery, romantic, thoughts that, because they are neither reality nor art, are not beneficial). I am once again restored to the sanity that is able to think about my friend and not have my brain go loopy. I start praying for the opportunity to apologize, wondering if it would hurt him even more. Wondering if we can be friends, now, until the SMOS is over ’cause I don’t know if I want to marry him someday, but I do know Id like to give the idea a chance.
Nov 30 – I talk to a great friend and sometimes-mentor who says, in short, the following: “If you are going to date him, date him. Don’t make him wait.” (You’ll see what she said, in long, later) I open my mouth to protest that I’m in the middle (literal middle) of the SMOS, and God tells me to SHUT UP. Yes, he led me to a great, fun thing. And I started it with pure intentions. And then I dug my claws into it for self preservation and shut out all of God’s light. I don’t know if you’re aware, but my Daddy wants nothing to do with such mockery of His name.
Dec 1 – Through a funny account I may recall later, we end up on the phone for twenty minutes. Another way of saying this is I laugh for twenty minutes. Yay! My friend is back! I LOVE spending time with him! We’re so fun! That night we are on the phone again and I realize….I want to do this thing. Want to give it a try….but we’re three months from that possibility.
Dec 2 – I get taken to coffee with two amazing, Godly women. I don’t know why they want me to take me out. Turns out it’s because they read my blog. Oh. They listen to the whole, elaborate story. They ask, in more words, the following basic questions: “Are you staying single out of faith or fear.”
I unquestioningly know: fear.
Dec 3– Intern dinner. This turns in to the Facing My Fear series (coming soon)
Dec 5 – Unbeknownst to me, Hoyt takes the day to get permission from his former boss (a pastor at our church) my current boss, and my mentor to ask me to date him. I’m assuming a much longer timeline. He’s…what’s the phrase… He doesn’t waste any time.
Dec 6 – Remember that Hoyt is friends with Q? He calls him and tells him something to the effect of “This is not what I ever meant to happen, this was not what I planned. I didn’t become her friend to swoop in and take her from you. But I do have feelings for her, and I’m going to ask her to date me soon.” They both handle themselves like gentlemen.
Having dotted his i’s, crossed his t’s, and bought my favorite flowers, Hoyt asks me to date him.