When the beautiful blizzard of dating, finals, holidays, and planning international travel happened in Early December, i KNEW that (a very small) part of the blessing of this trip would be time to just think.
and it has been.
Though lovey(the friend who brought me), lovely (lovey’s sister, whose name means lovely) and I have sat about talking, I’ve spent a good amount of time just
thinking. (enter Gaston “Lafou I’m afraid i’ve been thinking,” Lafou “A dangerous passtime-” “I know!”)
There were some things I wanted to think about. Like breaking up with Hoyt. When it happened, I was 100% as much as sure as you can be of anything not written in the Bible that it was supposed to. But he was apparently just-as-sure it wasn’t. The ONLY thing that made me break up with Hoyt was that I was sure it was what Jesus wanted. I knew I was allowed to start dating him, then I knew we were done. But I wanted to leave the door open that my stubborn heart could be so outta whack that I’d be totally wrong. So I wanted time, away from any influence that could make me feely or nostalgic, to pray and think, to “re-make-sure,” if that makes sense.
I also wanted to think about priorities. I really want to start serving in an orphanage back home, but it will be a stretch on the time and gas. And Im not involved in a missional community with which I serve. Not a biblical mandate, but a good example to set as part of church staff.
I also just wanted to be away from America, and confront issues of the last time I was gone, the pain and hurt of the situation that made me come back.
But there were somethings I didn’t know God was going to want to talk about.
Like…comfort, and where I’ve placed it.
Like who I think I am, and who he’s actually molding me to be.
Like how, in the continuous 2.5 years since I’ve left (leaving America is like a reset button for me) I’ve allowed myself a little wastefulness here, a little there, forgetting the passion and vigor or true love and generosity.
Or like how much I can appreciate that he’s calmed and queited my very heart. (Yep. shoulda known 22 year old me. No. I’m glad you didn’t!)
So I may have known on Dec 1 that come Uganda, we’d be having some serious sessions together, but I didn’t know he was coming to the table with SO MUCH that I wasn’t aware was an issue.
I mean, I think a lot. I am already aware of a lot of issues.
Just, not as many as God is. ;)
So right now I’m just soaking up the miracle of His PERFECT timing. That only he could pull together a trip like this, 13 days away from everything my life involves right now, back in a place that reminds me of my former dreams, time when I cannot be involved with movies and music and all of the GREAT blessings of home that I let become distractions from Him.
And right at the beginning of a new year and a new semester.
And right when I CAN take a break from school and work without fretting about it.
And right when I NEED to be away and, honestly, Hoyt sorta needs me to be away.
And right when, if I were home, I’m just sure I’d be a messy ball of fearful folly,
God said, “Hey baby, this is no good for you. I’m going to take you to Africa. Let’s date, you and me. Let me have your attention and let me enthrall you.”