Things have started to turn around,
the dark night of the new semester is lightening up, I’m starting to see the Son, who helps me appreciate the sun, which has, some days, been shining down on me.
Make sense? Of course not. ;)
I’m just saying, things were rough, I was having a hard time. A nothing-is-wrong-but-everything-hurts-and-I-cant-remember-how-to-smile hard time. Except, I can remember how to smile, because I actually have trouble not smiling, and thus difficulty displaying negative emotions. It’s confusing when you tell someone you’re depressed with a smile on your face and bright eyes.
But life was hurting there for about a month. The last week and a half have been a glorious reprieve. I was describing it to a roommate last night.
“What’s the opposite of needy?”
“I’m not sure, maybe content?”
“Yes, that’s perfect. I don’t find myself emotionally needy, but emotionally (and in all other ways) content. I know that I’ve got God and I can’t lose Him and that He’s my everything, so I have nothing to lose. I just feel like if this (the thing about which we were talking) works out, it’ll be great. And if it doesn’t work out, God and life will be just as great.”
I’m learning a lot lately.
I’m seeing how GREAT God is
and how UGLY I am in my sin and depravity,
and how all of His attributes in me totally trump my own, so there’s no need to throw a hissy. Just to trust.
lately, that’s meant TRUSTING during hard conversations. Trusting that He is enough and will guide my words.
It’s meant SHUTTING UP a lot, but probably not enough.
And giving grace in the guise of benefit-of-the-doubt. “Look, it doesn’t actually matter if they meant malice or not, I’m going to love them.”
It’s meant seeing my IDOLATRY and how it hurts people when I look for things in them that I should only seek in Him. And in those moments, going back to Him to talk about it.
And then seeing how life works better 100% of the time when you do it the way he wants you too.
It’s meant FINALLY figuring out one thing that will keep me from nightmares.
And letting that thing go when pursuing it means not pursuing God.
I’ve been learning to LISTEN and then ask questions so I can LISTEN some more.
And how much I am not good at parts of my job/school/life,
and how those are not condemnable issues, but opportunities to see God’s power and work.
Not to mention, I’ve been holding squeezies. A LOT. Including but not limited to the genetic lottery babies at the rodeo, the Tuck for his first birthday, and (at different times) all three of the Angel’s kids. (EVEN the floppy little 5 week old, who, yes, I fell in love with.)
after all, it’s Wednesday. And Wednesday is supposed to be update day. So there is your update.