a while back, an old friend was mean to mean.
they meant to be mean and I’ve found that a person determined to be mean can do quite a bit of damage.
this person spewed venemous pain at me, then told me things other people said about me (or claimed they did) that were also mean.
The next day i woke up and fully expected to feel awful. That’s how things usually hit me. Emotional stuff, anyway. I make it through the day-of with relative calm and proper adjustment, but the next day I’m a mess. So day after the mean-fest, i was so surprised when I was
I wasn’t mourning. I wasn’t replaying words in my head. I wasn’t running from the Lord or in a puddle on the floor. When I looked in the mirror, I saw someone I wanted to be. And when I looked at old pics on my blog (I was trying to figure out where something was on an old post) and thought,
“Oh my gosh. she’s pretty. And she looks fun. I think i would want to be friends with that girl.” All about me. For a few moments, a few days, I had this over arching peace that I am who I am and that girl is a great girl to be. I saw myself (just a small fraction of) how God sees me. And it was
gooooooood. fresh pot of coffee good. Just got a massage good. deep passionate kiss and nap in the sunshine good.
Now that was supposed to be the whole post, how God’s mighty hand was on me and is changing me and sanctifying me and making me less of a drama queen (except still dramatic in the fun ways, you know, like entertaining at parties) AND ALL OF THAT IS TRUE, but just this week it became not-the-end of the story.
Because this week I ended up on the phone with the meanie who then told me they’d been not telling the whole truth about the situation to (thankfully very few who even knew we aren’t friends anymore) ppl who asked. And that not-the-whole-truth was that we are not friends anymore because I am too demanding and they couldn’t keep up. Which is true, they claimed, since I “demanded” they not be mean to me. And they wouldn’t stop being mean.
ANYWAY. This revelation that not only would a friend turned whatever, (not enemy but not friend anymore) would
a)be mean to me on purpose
b)think it’s not that big of a deal and
c) then tell others mean things abt me
just did it. I finally felt all the hurt, betrayal, and pain I think I would have the first time.
I mean, i’ve had friends be mean to me before. In quite similar situations. (We’re all jacked up, people. I’ve BEEN this meanie, too). But this time, there was a twist. Now I was also hurting over things they claimed others said.
It all came around to the other day, when I was feeling eaten-up inside and had to go talk to one of the accused, who by GOD’S GOOD GRACE just-so-happened to be around. (convo slightly edited for sanity and love)
“Uhm, can you help me?”
“Yeah, what’s up?”
“::awkward pause:: Someone told me something mean you said about me. I’m not sure it’s true, but it really hurt, and I don’t know any way to address the situation other than to just ask you. Are you mad at me or have I done anything that you’re upset about?”
Face was shocked and concerned.
“No. Not at all, not that I remember. I’m so sorry. I mean, sometimes I make jokes I probably shouldn’t.”
“Hey, so do I. But you’re not mad at me or anything?”
“No. Can you tell me what it is? I’d like to know so I can see if I remember.”
“Uhm….they said you said _______.”
“Oh Ritz. I did NOT mean that. This was said before, this was said after, it was just a couple of ppl sitting around and joking. And I am sorry I said it, and I’m SO sorry it got back to you and hurt you.”
“Well, I forgive you. I understand. It makes a LOT more sense in that situation and I would’ve said the same thing if I were you. Thanks for explaining.”
“Yeah, thanks for pulling me aside to talk to me.”
And after that, it was WAY easier to bounce back.
I don’t know why prayer, meditation, and bible weren’t enough to lift my spirit of the heaviness it had before, but I do know this: God wants the body to work in harmony. Not with some disjointed little piece secretly hurt by but not addressing another. So if it took discomfort for Him to get me to fix it, he’ll allow me the discomfort it takes to get me where I need to be in order to be who I need to be. My day was much more worshipful and I could concentrate much better on the Lord after all this.
I know that sometimes, God may call us to simply let love cover a multitude of sins. Sometimes that’s the right way to heal. But sometimes it’s not. There are lots of options for how things can work out. I’m so glad I don’t have to figure it out, but can trust the Lord to make known to me the path of life. The )(sometimes) pull-a-person-aside, forgive-my-former-friends, move-on-and-worship-Jesus way.