The UV Diet – Lose Weight Like I Did…N’T

Otherwise known as “yes actually, I stopped eating for a week, plus a have a baller tan.”

So, like, for a reason I’m totally not gonna go into raawwwtt now, (that was a country twang raaawwwt thuur) I had touble eating for a week (I’m fine, promise. although there is something symmetrically beautiful about it being exactly 21 “meal times” between meals) and that MAYBE did make me lose a little tiny itsy bitsy amount of weight. And I was working out before then. But let me explain why I stress that no, I probably have not lost whatever weight you may think I look like I’ve lost.

 

I AM A WORLD CLASS CHAMPION AT NOT LOSING WEIGHT.

built for famine, some would describe.

difficult to shake, you might say.

hearty, earthy, the yogis could call me.

or good at being “festively plump,” as a collegiate college once regrettably chimed. (not to me, actually)

 

Alls I’m saying is, peoplefriends, I DO NOT SHED LBS LIKE I SHED HAIR. In fact, I shed lbs more like poodles shed hair (hint: they don’t. That’s why people breed everything with poodles. Labradoodles weren’t just about the cute name, y’all). And cause I’m okay with me, I’m okay with that.

 

That being said, I am HELLA TAN. What does “hella” even mean? I’d like to think it’s how my granny greets me. “Hella, babyda-awl” (but that’s not true. Granny always greets me by saying ” Man-duh? (Tennessee for “amanda) that you-ewe?” (always with the sweet southern drawl and dipthongs where dipthongs have no place being).

And if you didn’t know, I will tell you: tan stuff looks better than not tan stuff. And that goes for lean or flabby. If you’ve got it, and it’s gonna show, you might oughtta tan it.  Well, unless you’re a good candidate for skin cancer. Which, pplfriends, I. Am. Not. (one sunburn in my whole darn life, and i was on the equator when it happened).

 

SOOOOOOO I say all this because a couple of times recently people have asked if I’ve “been losing weight.” Well, I don’t know, because I REFUSE to weigh myself (just not a healthy thing for me). But I do know that I put on this party dress on Saturday and let’s just say that either I’m a bit less plump than I was in December (the last time i wore it) or i stretched it then and forgot to wash it (gross but totally likely).  But I DID feel good in it so I did what any logical, single, celiabte 25 year old woman would do.

i have a neck. contrary to what i'm showing here.

I looked in the mirror and screamed “WHY AM I NOT MARRIED?! WHY IS THIS NOT HAVING SEX TONIGHT?!”

 

uhm,i dunno why i chose to pooch out like that for this angle. my bad. just trust me. I was at least 23% more hotness than I expected to be.

And then, because who the heck knows if I’ll ever look like this again, i went to Michelle’s house so she could snap a shot because no, I cannot get a decent angle with my dang “smart” phone.

Also, sadly, i realized that my glasses don’t go with everything. Like this dress. So, sadly, I look a little cross eyed in these photos because i AM a little cross eyed in these photos. But not these:

i look at least 15% less ethnic with the glasses, don't i? you know it.

 

And finally: i wish i could make this my new header….but the header has certain dimensions, and these are not it. :(

"sassy ritz"

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10 thoughts on “The UV Diet – Lose Weight Like I Did…N’T

  1. You looked truly amazing in that dress! :) So happy I got to see you in it in real life…. not just blog life! lol xo

  2. This is what I always say… If u can’t tone it, tan it!!!
    Ritz I missed u in class, u weren’t there to brighten my day!!

  3. I have never seen you look so stunning Ritz. Seriously, and your commentary made me laugh so hard. So very Ritz of you, the girl (now the woman) who always spoke her mind. Much love from Canada. ;)

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