middle school awkward monster

there’s this thing in this one social circle of my life

i call it: the middle school awkward monster.

long story short, i FEEL like the dudes and the chicks (no, i don’t think those are the PC terms, I’m trying to lighten the mood) who aren’t married or don’t have a very specific relationship determined and defined by role

DON’T KNOW HOW TO INTERACT

no that’s not what I mean, those are just the first words i picked.

I mean, i feel like everyone is always afraid everyone else might think someone is flirting with someone.

i FEEL like I can’t really be me. Cause I tried. for two years. and.it.was.so.hard.

so,

unbeknownst to me on the outside,

i started molding.

i started being funnier when really i wanted to be sassy,

because it made people more comfortable.

i was silent when i wanted to engage, because that made people more comfortable,

i wore clothes, hair, make up (or lack thereof) and accessories that sorta expressed me, but also served the purpose of not being noticed. or maybe was the self I thought I wanted to be or maybe the one i thought i needed to be

and don’t get me wrong: I’ve been happy. I’ve grown. I’ve learned. I’ve been poured into.

But I’ve also silenced myself because it was easier to express less and be accepted more.

And I don’t always need to express.

And I don’t need to express to EVERY one.

and i swear to you (no i dont because im not allowed but i do because it’s the expression i want to invoke) that I have been loved well, and a lot,

but i noticed something when i started dating hoyt (it started when he first told me he had feelings, but got way more obvious when we “outed” our relationship)

and then much more when i stopped.

Being “taken” made people more open with me.

like i was less dangerous.

Anyone else ever feel like being single in a conservative circle caused you to get pegged as a rogue?

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6 thoughts on “middle school awkward monster

  1. this always annoys me at weddings when single boys won’t dance with single girls because they seem to be afraid that we will immediately fall in love and cry and flip out. i just want to dance, okay?

  2. i mean, i understand the frustration. I know SO many women (myself too!) that read to much into things/ call guys creepers/ don’t allow for men to just be people who make mistakes. We’re all guilty in these situations, I think. And though I’m tempted to blame, I have found that just being friendly as I want to be, and caring less what others think, gives me the freedom to be authentic in lots of different situations.

    That being said, I haven’t been dancing in a while! ;)

    • that part about allowing men to be people who make mistakes, especially the broken God fearing ones who repent often…you’re on to something. Unfortunately, there are still too many men with bad intentions that ruin things for the ones who desire to be biblical men, yet fall short too.

      • I agree, getting “burned” by men with ill intentions can scar. I think that’s why I’m so grateful for the really amazing men in my life who remind me that I am safe and cared for (first by God, and also by them, since they care for me). But I know before those friends where in my life I really did spend a lot of time SCARED around men.

    • yes yes. obviously all of this wisdom and grace for my male friends was underlying my some-what-in-jest response to your post. particularly as the self-declared queen of “reading into things too much.” its just so hard to convey my tone across the internet waves…

      • stupid interweb skewing meaning. ;) yeah girl, i didn’t read you as anythong other than understandably frustrated along with the rest of the wanting-to-dance and probably-fine-not-falling-in-love ladies. i mean, srsly, you have no idea how often I look at situations like those and think (uhm….and often say) JUST BE A MAN. You know what I not-so-secretly-like? Just admitting when I think too much into things. Like. “so and so invited me to a party and the next day was REALLY into me coming and confirmed three times and we’ve never talked before so I’m somewhere between 23-31% sure he’s thinking I’m cute.”

        Over analyzing? Uhm, def. But still fun, and as long as I can let it be fun, and say it out loud, I don’t (usually) take it to crazy town. Which is great. Cause it used to be crazytown all the time here. Population: me.

        I’m going to stop typing. this reply is turning into it’s own post. Moral of the story, i’m SUPER sorry if i misinterpreted you, and THANK YOU FOR LEAVING A COMMENT. I love comments. I want more of them so I know if I’m on a good writing track.
        xo!

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