there’s this thing in this one social circle of my life
i call it: the middle school awkward monster.
long story short, i FEEL like the dudes and the chicks (no, i don’t think those are the PC terms, I’m trying to lighten the mood) who aren’t married or don’t have a very specific relationship determined and defined by role
DON’T KNOW HOW TO INTERACT
no that’s not what I mean, those are just the first words i picked.
I mean, i feel like everyone is always afraid everyone else might think someone is flirting with someone.
i FEEL like I can’t really be me. Cause I tried. for two years. and.it.was.so.hard.
unbeknownst to me on the outside,
i started molding.
i started being funnier when really i wanted to be sassy,
because it made people more comfortable.
i was silent when i wanted to engage, because that made people more comfortable,
i wore clothes, hair, make up (or lack thereof) and accessories that sorta expressed me, but also served the purpose of not being noticed. or maybe was the self I thought I wanted to be or maybe the one i thought i needed to be
and don’t get me wrong: I’ve been happy. I’ve grown. I’ve learned. I’ve been poured into.
But I’ve also silenced myself because it was easier to express less and be accepted more.
And I don’t always need to express.
And I don’t need to express to EVERY one.
and i swear to you (no i dont because im not allowed but i do because it’s the expression i want to invoke) that I have been loved well, and a lot,
but i noticed something when i started dating hoyt (it started when he first told me he had feelings, but got way more obvious when we “outed” our relationship)
and then much more when i stopped.
Being “taken” made people more open with me.
like i was less dangerous.
Anyone else ever feel like being single in a conservative circle caused you to get pegged as a rogue?