Yesterday in my first installment of the summer-long Research Methods class, I was texting or gchatting someome (probably part of the problem) and said “ohemgee statistics. i feel like my brain is going to explode.”
Lemme back up.
A while ago, one of my best friends lost his father to suicide. A few years before that, a dear freind’s fiance. And when I was a child, my uncle. All three decided to end their lives by (and i’m so sorry to be so blunt) shooting themselves in the head. Even now, just thinking about it, i literally just teared up. But it wasn’t until that last case that I really carried the effect with me. Eventually, previous to that, no matter how sad the case, I could shake it.
But I can’t shake it, anymore. I can’t just forget how strong a reaction it is to REALLY shoot yourself in the head.
I’ve struggled before with suicidal tendencies. More than once in my teen years, I attempted suicide by non violent means. Clearly, I was not successful. But I remember, I remember what it is to despair so greatly that there seems literally NO hope.
So when people make that gun shape with their hand and “blow their brains out,” it yanks at my heart and my stomach. I remember Uncle Manuel, I remember Andrew, I remember the pain in my friend’s face, talking about his dad. And I remember those times, as a teenager, when I would’ve done the same thing. Y’all, suicide isn’t funny. And acting like it is is giving power to the darkness that wants a place in my life.
So I adjusted my comment about the class. “No,I’m sorry, that’s not true. I feel like I am not processing this information, and I don’t care what this man is saying. That’s what I feel like.”
It’s just something I’m trying to do. Adjust my vocabulary to ACCURATELY reflect things. Noting more of God’s goodness, giving less credit to the non traumatic events I get histrionic about. Describing truthfully, honoringly, trying to think on what is true and pure and holy and NOT believe (or propogate!) the lies of the enemy.
“This traffic is KILLING me, smalls.”
No ma’am, this traffic is NOT going to kill you. It’s going to cause you to be 15 mintues late. On eighth the time you wasted on facebook today.
“I’m so totally hungry I’m going to pass out.”
No ma’am, you’re not going to pass out. The little babies you saw pass out from hunger over seas, THEY were that malnourished. You are hungry and a bit tired. Solve the problem and stop complaining.
“Ugh. I’m done. Forget him, I just give up.”
No, I don’t actually GIVE UP on this situation. But I do need a break, some time away, in order to check my responses as holy.
“Everything is whatever.”
No, everything is NOT whatever. Everything is working for my good and God’s glory and if I can’t use my words to reflect that, perhaps I ought not use my words at all.
Even if it’s funny,
Even if it’s socially acceptable,
unless I’m employing irony or satire and I’m clear about it,
or I’m describing my feelings (because things can often feel much worse than they are)
I’m trying to just say what is true and not always say what I mean because SOMETIMES what I mean ISN’T true.
That man DIDN’T rip my heart to shreds. His actions hurt me, but my fleshy heart is protected by the king. No mere man can do anything so severe.
That “old friend” is not a liar. She’s a child of God. She lied. And that is hard for me. but it doesn’t change the truth of who she is in Christ.
what’s funny is I’m saying this on my blog, where i typically give myself the freedom to be super dramatic (where in real life, I am much more exact, precise, accurate, literal, and even keeled in my vocabulary. yes, im serious) just to make a point or make you laugh….
but i’m thinking about that too.