I heard once that you only have to do something every day for 28 days for it to become a habit. I don’t really think that’s true, but it would be nice, because then I’d only be one week away from “by habit” being a patient, calm, God-seeking woman.
Wait, that doesn’t make sense….
Three weeks ago, I did the craziest thing I’ve ever done. But you need some back story.
A few months ago, I was hit with the startling realization that I was in love. In love with someone I don’t talk to, I don’t have any functioning relationship with. Someone who, one could argue, I don’t even know. Oh, but I do. I know him and I know I want him. I want to be with him, in that forever, nothing-but-God-matters-as-much-as-this, kind-of-love-to-build-a-life-on, I-know-how-crazy-this-is-but-i-cant-even-care, and lastly, its-not-a-choice-i-made, but nor is it a choice I’d want to unmake.
I fought it. I didn’t mention it to one single soul for a month. I dreamt about him every night. I prayed for him every day. And try as I might, I thought about him so many of my moments that, a few weeks ago, when he came up in a conversation, I started WEEPING. “Are you crying?” “Yes….I just… I miss him so much.”
A day later, probably influenced by the fact that I hadn’t slept in days and wasn’t eating, but mostly just compelled by the depth of just KNOWING what I wanted and how much I wanted it, I called him. And got his voicemail.
“Hey. This is Ritz. I was just calling to tell you I’m in love with you. If you’d like me to elaborate, you can call me back. I hope I hear from you soon. Bye.”
You may all take a moment to collectively gasp. It’s what people do when they hear this.
I wanted to tell you, my friends. I wanted to tell you when I was waking up with his face in my thoughts every morning. I wanted to tell you when other men would hit and me and I thought, “You’re here, you’re gorgeous, and best of all you are in love with our God and not-to-ignore, you really like me. But I don’t give one single care, because you aren’t him.” I wanted to walk around with a sign that says, “I know I’m friendly, but I feel like I should let you know: I’m in love and consequently not interested.” I wanted to share every moment after I left the voicemail because HOLY AMAZEBALLS do you know what the waiting game is like after a moment like that?!
But I couldn’t tell you.
Because I wanted to give him time.
And because you people love me so much you’d throw him under a proverbial bus for needing time.
And because sometimes, when something could really really really hurt, you want to hurt in silence or dark, so that you don’t have to be hurt and embarassed.
But God is teaching me SO much through this, I just want to share.
(stay tuned for more of the draaaaaamaaaaaaa)