And he said, in kindness and gentleness but with absolute assurance, the following, that in summary: he wants her, and even if he didn’t want her, he would not want me. Ever again. And he needed me to know that.
And when we got off the phone I thought I would weep, that surely the world, like the last time he told me he didn’t want me, would come crashing down. That I would cast my bootless cries up toward deaf heaven, asking WHY I’d be afflicted with such a love for such an outcome.
Because I love him. I love him. I LOVE him. And I would have given EVERYTHING, community, church, family, school, job, the security of what I have here, ALL of it, for him. Because I truly believe the calling of a wife to be that which I want. The calling to be so dedicated to one person, to supporting a husband and loving him and being his, (that’s SO awkward to admit, to “say” out loud) superior to the vast and beautiful other callings. I just know what I want. And it’s a great place to be to know what you want.
But it’s not what God chose for me. Which means no, I don’t get to be with the one who I thought was the love of my life. But I will NEVER EVER lose the God and Saviour who is not just the love of my life, but my life completely.
This means that I will not be his. But I cannot despair when the mercy of my God – the God of COMFORT and COMPASSION who sees my every need and want and calls me forward, calls me his own, when His spirit comes down and surrounds me, I do not often react as I’d expect.
And so I hung up the phone chock-full of love and admiration for the man on the other line. Untainted by rejection, filled only with the same peace I have known in so many situations, the peace from God that says, “You do not understand, but you don’t have to understand. Do not fear any longer, only believe.”
And I LAUGHED. I laughed the laugh of a woman completely LOVED.
No, that man doesn’t love me. Oh but I AM LOVED. I am cherished. I am protected. I am called to a high and great calling, an ambassador of Christ.
But I do get to stay here, in Austin, home of the longhorns (I still bleed burnt orange ;)
Which is a place I adore more than any other place in the US
I get to keep the close and wonderful community I have and keep growing new ones.
I can stay in the program of study I’m currently in, one that is SO good and has the rare specialty that I want to go in to and oh-yeah, it the least expensive one I’ve ever seen.
Rather than leaving the host of people and teams I’ve gotten to be a part of, I get to stay, dive deeper, love more. Be FAMILY to those I was not born to, but given to.
I get to live the life God has for me, and I am more grateful for that than any I’d plan for myself.
It is not the choice I would have made,
And I do not understand all of it,
But I am grateful for every nuance, every moment, every word.
I see already how in this time, through this situation, God has stretched me and taught me, led me and captured my attention and affection and kept me from more bad decisions than I can count!
And I can say with zero regret:
God is Good. All the time.
::edit: I KNOW this will get hard, I know it will hurt as it heals, I’m not being flippant or cavalier, I’m just telling the story I see God weaving.::