“Bubba, I’ve been meaning to say I’m sorry. Ever since you first said you were leaving I’ve only said things like, ‘i hate that you’re leaving and I don’t want you to go.’ Because i love you (what a beautiful world, where you can tell your friends you love them) and i will miss you so much…”
“That’s okay to feel. And it’s okay to say what you feel.” (this man is going to be a good shepherd to whatever flock God gives him)
“Thx. But…it’s not really loving. And if I really love you like a sister (in Christ) should, then I’m not self-seeking. And every reason I want you to stay is selfish. Love means ….well it means a lot of things but one of them is supporting you. And that means supporting where God is calling you, not tearing away from that motivation every time I think about it. I’m glad you’re going to
the rainy never-sunny-antithesis-of-home pursue this call of God on your life.” (yes, we ACTUALLY talk like this)
“I said I’m sorry, and you said thank you?”
“I’m still processing ….there is something to be sorry for?”
“Yeah, for being selfish before I was a good sister, helping you pursue God’s plan for you in my words and attitude.”
“Oh. I forgive you.”
I don’t have to say it. They know. They know I love them, that I don’t want them to leave. That in my very limited wisdom and very large selfishness, I want them here. They know that I chose them, again and again, not out of convenience but because, like I said, they’ve become part of my heart.
I pray often for Bubba’s future wife. I pray she’ll be sweet and like the rangers (no harm in asking) and she’ll push him to be better than he is but also love him because he’s so wonderful already.
I pray for Belle’s heart, her fundraising, her team when she gets to the place where everyone sounds (to me) like they are the chef from the muppets (ah burr duh bur duhr blur burr) that she’ll make awesome connections and just FLOURISH and find beautiful new yarns that blow her knitting mind.
So they know that I love them. I don’t need to tell them I don’t want them to leave. No good comes from this whining.
I’m awful at it. At supporting them leaving. But I’m trying.
yesterday I looked at them, next to each other talking about who-knows-what in our little circle at a friend’s birthday party. I got overwhelmed and sucked in a deep breath. Belle missed it but bubba pursed his lips, keeping in the laugh he knew would exacerbate the issue. “Yes?”
“I…am so glad you’re leaving. It’s going to be great.”
“It really will. That’s the truth. It’s not what I was thinking, but it’s the truth.”
How are you loving well right now? What selfishness guised as love have you been peddling to those around you? How do you want/need to change?