The Other Half of Esther-Day

So, King-o-saurus falls in love with Esther. Maybe because she’s sooooooo hott. Maybe because she’s got the gift of woo, whatever, but the sitch is, dude turns sweet. And generous. But not wise.

Cause there is this dude, one of King-a-saur’s MAIN dudes, Haman. Haman is rich, he’s rubbing elbows with all the important people in the kingdom, and because of some reason that we don’t know, Haman gets a promotion. Except it’s such a big promotion that they basically throw the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade over it. People are BOWING DOWN.

You know who doesn’t bow down?

Mordecai. Which no, is NOT the original name of Mickey Mouse (that’s Mortimer. Yes, it is, look it up.)

Mordecai is Ether’s Uncle-nephew-second-cousin- adoptive father. And he’s Jewish.  So when he doesn’t bow down to Haman, Haman doesn’t take it easy or take his pride-wrath out on just Mordecai:

He pays off King-o-saur to let him (let Haman) KILL ALL THE JEWS. No, i’m STILL not joking. So Kingy, having not so much a care (and not knowing, at this point, that his new Queenie McHotpants is one of said Jews) says yeah, if they aren’t doing what they are supposed to, kill ’em all. I trust you (that was a paraphrase). (Plus, remember, Haman says “if you let me kill the jews, i’ll put a whole bunch of money in your coffers. Win-win, right? Uhm, not for the Jews.)

SOOOOOO, Mordecai finds all this out. Cause it’s not a secret. In fact an edict goes out that says, “On this certain day, everyone has permission to kill Jews. So go do it and then take their stuff.” IT GOES TO EVERY PROVINCE IN EVER LANGUAGE.

:::SIDENOTE- i forgot to mention that earlier in the story, RANDOMLY, Mordecai saved the King’s life, and didn’t get a reward, but DID get the act of nobility written in the royal twitter feed. (or whatever they used. facebook group?)::

So we’ve got a few things going on:

  • The King falls in love (but then forgets about-typical men) with Esther
  • Haman decides to kill all the Jews
  • Mordecai finds out about the above plot, and then Esther finds out, and THEN
So Mordecai tells Esther, “Look, you’ve got to go tell your husband that someone’s CRAY-CRAY and we’re all going to die or else…we’ll all die.”
And Esther is like, “Uh, except he hasn’t called for me in months (NOT MAKING THIS UP) and plus also too, if I go see HIM, without him calling for me, the punishment is death (unless he’s in a GREAT mood and decides to admit me. which i doubt. since we’re not even currently sleeping together).”
And Mordecai is like, “Girl you gotta take your chances.”
And Esther is like, “Word. Imma do it. Pray for me. And make all the other Jews pray too!”
So Esther goes to see the King and he DOESNT kill her for her impertinence (whew!) and asks what she wants.
Has the heat gotten to her pretty head? No. Well, maybe, but it works out. Cause on his way home the day he finds out about the party, he sees Mordecai, NOT BOWING DOWN, so he goes home and complains about it and at the advice of his wife (winner) he BUILDS 50 FOOT GALLOWS AT HIS HOUSE TO CONSOLE HIMSELF, cause he plans to hang Mordecai on them on the special day we talked about earlier.  Then he feels better and goes back to the palace feelin’ ALL special.
Meanwhile, at the palace, the King couldn’t sleep so he read the old twitter feed and was like, “Hey, i should do something for that guy who saved me!” So he asks Haman what he should do for someone who he wants to honor. And Haman, full of himself and sure the king wants to honor HIM, is like, “do all this special stuff.” And then the King makes Haman do all that stuff for Mordecai.
Then duh, of COURSE while he’s mourning his outcast state, the King’s servants arrive and Haman has to go to a party. Have you ever had to go to a party when you’re in a bad mood? Yeah, this HAD to be a dramatic gathering.
At the party, King whatsiswhoseit asks the Queen (Esther) what she’d like, and, now that he’s full, and a little tipsy, and remembers how hot she is cause she’s there, (take notes ladies, this is NOT a bad way to get what you ask for) she tells him that someone is seeking her life, and the life of all her people.
And tipsy-King is PISSED! Who is this SCOUNDREL, I will challenge him to a DUEL. No I’m just joking. He is ticked but y’all remember he’s kind of a lazy dude so, he’s just like, “I’ll kill him!” (or order someone else to)”Where is he? Who is he?”
THEN, Haman goes to beg Esther for mercy, which to the king looks like he’s assaulting her. RAGING KING  has his servants go hang Haman on his own gallows.
Dang. Ironic.
But there’s still that old decree, that says it’s okay to kill Jews. And it CAN’T be undone. That’s not how those laws work. So instead they write another edict saying, “If you fight and try to kill the Jews on this day, it’s legal, but they can fight back and no one will stop them. And then they can take all your stuff, too.”
So…. on that one day, the Jews kicked some Gentile hiney. Like SERIOUS.
I’ll maybe-probably-we’ll-see wrap all this back up to what I’m learning from it “tomorrow.” ;)
all images via google image search cause i ain’t fancy.

One thought on “The Other Half of Esther-Day

  1. So have you heard of The Message? It’s a neat paraphrase of the Bible… oh maybe you should write The Story… a paraphrase of hte Bible according to Ritz… it’d be good stuff!! :) Love your new picture top banner thingie :)

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