was true…but It wasn’t what I meant to say.”
this is one of those “i was just thinking” posts.
Months ago, a friend asked if we needed help at the ministry I was serving in. She said, “Because I really like to be needed.”
Hearing herself, she gasped, “Ohmygosh! That’s not what I meant. I mean, truth just came out of my mouth, but it’s not what I intended to say.”
I feel like that happens SO often to me, and I’m so grateful for the insight of what my silly-goose heart is REALLY processing while, cerebrally, I think I’ve good it all good in the neighborhood (another expression I don’t think I really understand).
Last night was one of those times. A classmate was asking about a guy I’d dated in the past. She, like many people, asked why I wasn’t married to a man who adored me, took great care of me, and whose company I enjoyed. Choosing to overlook the MAJOR SIGNIFICANT issues that contributed to the breakup, I, unexpectedly said that I know if I wanted to, I could have chosen that. I could have it again. But I would never be in love with this man. My affection for him would never match his for me. It just wasn’t that way. In short, I loved the way he took care of me, but upon a lot of reflection, I didn’t think I was ever going to LOVE him like that. I tried choosing what seemed like a natural, wise, RATIONAL decision. But romance, alas, is just not rational. Verbatim, I said,
“Because I’d rather be with someone who doesn’t take care of me, but I want to be with when I wake up in the morning.”
The rational side of me is still annoyed that, despite my intellectual values, despite knowing that a good, loving relationship can look a lot of different, all equally right, ways, I still want fireworks, giggles, passion, LAUGHS until tears, and all that other “mushy crap” that I can, when in a lot of denial, easily dismiss.
The logical voices say that when I’m 70 and libido is something I confuse for a dance where you shimmy under a pole, a man who cared well for our relationship, family, and home will be more valuable than gold, even if he never gave me butterflies.
But I’m a pretty able woman, with a community of really able people, all through the power of a perfectly and completely able God. And I get well taken care of, boyfriend or no boyfriend.
So….as I re-learned about myself last night, I want to fall in love.