It seems only right on Fridays to post something light. Something that will usher you into your weekend with super-happy-fun thoughts. This is not really a light post. I confess I’ve grown confused on what to post some days. I’m in a season of deep and heavy self-editing. The good kind, the kind that’s willing to take every little piece of me and put it under the microscope because I want to love Jesus better. Not every season allows for or is benefited by this kind of behavior, but it’s where God has me.
Which means that I’m in a very “what is my motivation for this” mode. It also means I’m in (Lord, help me) a season of seeing how big and ugly my perceived need for approval is. And half in effort to kill that sin, half in direct feeding of it, I’m trying to keep myself from saying too much right now. Because I want to explain everything about me so you can approve of it. (So im not saying it) But I also don’t want to say too much about me because what if you DON’T approve of it? What if you misunderstand? I’ve been dealing a LOT with “misunderstanding” lately. Anyway all that to say, I’m not sure what anyone who reads this blog wants or expects, so if you could let me know that would be great. But for now, I’m going to offer the following, an excerpt from an email I found particularly poignant. (with permission, so long as I don’t attribute. thx, friend)
I also found some letters I’d written to him way back when, thinking I’d give them to him when we got married some day. because even when we broke up, I was still sure he was the one. That summer I told Mary I didn’t know what to do with them. she said “Throw them away!” but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I guess I just put them away because when I found them yesterday I was surprised, but I remembered instantly what they were.
Im learning right now that there is not a right or a wrong way to grieve. That putting time lines on things is stupid. That knowing Jesus loves me does NOT mean that my heart will stop hurting over someone else not loving me.
Although, I think it does mean my affections will turn more toward Jesus, which I see in that I do not wake up every morning dehydrated from crying myself to sleep(anymore), from the fact that I was able to entertain dating someone else, and finally that yesterday, I was able to recycle those letters.
I thought it might be more cathartic to burn them, but no one was home to help me contain, plus I just couldn’t be that eco-hateful. So I recycled them. Maybe it’s more of a Gospel response? I don’t want God to just burn away these memories and desires, I want Him to renew them into something usable, that brings Him glory. To make them what they were always meant to be…
Beautiful. I’m so grateful for classmates, for friends on the same learning track as I am, for universal themes in life. And for google image search.