I have still never written the full post on this, but for those of you who don’t know me and haven’t been reading since March of 2010, let me give you a little background:
Based on, effectively, a paperwork error, I was accused of a hit-and-run, and eventually put in jail for an OUTSTANDING FELONY WARRANT. Yes, i went to real jail and I have a mugshot and a pending expunction to prove it. And someday I may write out the w.h.o.l.e. story but today is not that day and that day will probably not come for a while. Because as much as I may screw up one side of my mouth, raise my eyebrows, and throw in punchlines about the tale (like how the arresting officer let me text for 45 minutes so I told my best friend/lawyer “hey, i’m not going to make it to dinner, I’m bring arrested.”) the truth is:
I don’t say that flippantly. As a studying helping professional, I try not to treat things like that without due respect.
But it’s true. And what’s even more true is: because I’m traumatized from an experience where bad driving wasn’t that big of an issue, I AM NOW A WORSE DRIVER. Because instead of trusting instincts and paying attention, but also relaxing into a healthy pattern, I am riled up most of the time I’m behind the wheel. I don’t (out loud) make much of a deal about it but…driving is not fun for me. And it used to be. It used to be something I loved. Now it’s something that scares me.
I know it’s not the Holy response and I’m working on it.
That having been said, I got hit by another car in June. Lame, but fine.
And I still don’t have a car door handle because I WILL NOT PAY to have that fixed when I can just climb in the passenger side (we’ll see what happens once it’s cold out).
And then, on my way home from Tennessee, I got a speeding ticket. Which is fine because I SPED THE WHOLE WAY THERE AND BACK BECAUSE 48 HOURS TO GET TO A FUNERAL AND BACK IS NOT A LOT OF TIME and so let’s be honest, i deserved the ticket, but I was major bummed that due to my irresponsibility, i was going to be even more funds-deprived.
(sometimes I worry about money. it’s ugly and it’s true and it’s getting better but I always need Jesus to keep me from going off the deep end and for the record, so do you)
ANYWAY, AND PLUS ALSO TOO, I HIT SOMEONE LAST WEEK. Whatev. He literally DID NOT CARE and I had to convince him to take my info (which, let me tell you, i’ve never had to convince a man to take my number but WHATever) just-in-case because of course his truck wasn’t damaged at.all. But Bruce, poor little bruce, is not really living up to his namesake. One little bonk and his face is all. scrunched. up.
None of these things are really that big of a deal, but things add up in my brain. That’s just how I process.
Which I think is at least part of why these things are happening. God can see all the way deep down into my heart and he knows that I am not trusting him with my driving record or my traffic safety. He knows that instead of giving that time to him, while driving im ususally a)changing the radio station and b)a little freaked out and have a high heart rate because I will not relax BECAUSE I AM TRAUMATIZED. Ya heard?
i have full coverage and you bet your ….whatever part of you you want to bet that I’m getting my car fixed because, as you may have noticed, my mental health has a slight correlation to my car/driving record. So Bruce’s getting his grill blinged. And I blinged I mean pulled back from the damage I did.
Anyway, I was all set hi-and-mighty to turn this into a “what you can learn” post and maybe I’ll make it a series so you CAN learn but for now it’s more of a confessional:
I went to jail (not the part I’m confessing. I didn’t do the dang thing and you know what? lots of ppl go to jail at some point) and the experience has contributed to fear and anxiety in my heart and I have to fight every time I drive to trust in Jesus and God’s plan for me and not throw my hands up and say, “Forget this, i’m staying my happy bottom at home!”
Are there things you have that are keeping you immobilized? Anything that you realize had a much bigger effect than what society recognizes?
What areas are you having to give to God, but are embarrassed to admit?