I Don’t Wanna Know (Weighty Stuff)

As you can tell by my Wearing Teenager’s Clothes post, I’ve made a few changes this past 6 months regarding my health.

I’ve taken intentional steps toward learning to feed myself. This means planning, shopping for, and cooking meals that will not make me sick, will fullfill basic nutritional requirements, and don’t suck (like, I enjoy eating them). Meeting all of these criteria is quite a work for me, but I’ve generally and genuinely enjoyed setting a daunting (for a girl who lived 25 years never learning to cook) goal and reaching it, little by little. So far, I can make chicken (most varieties), chicken salad, stew (chicken or beef), chili, queso (so good, not to be underestimated JUST because it’s not a “meal”), and I’ve learned to pair noodles, baby spinach salad, veggies (fresh, frozen, or canned), and potatoes with whatever meat I make. Then (AND THIS IS HUGE) I sit down at my table with my meal. I SIT DOWN and TAKE TIME and I eat, slowly, while concentrating.

like an image straight from my brain

I also work out more. I did N.O.T. start working out to lose weight. In fact I didn’t make ANY of these changes to lose weight. I wanted to be a healthier, better me, one who wasn’t sick and wasn’t always scrambling. Maybe that’s why it’s different this time….

Anyway, I have a LOT of energy. I don’t think I realized for a long time because I was a teenager, then a theatre major, then I worked in a kid’s ministry. All of those things let you have a LOT of energy and just chalk it up as par-for-the-course.  But as a counselor, I have to do a lot of being still. So i started working out because if I don’t expend a lot of my energy, I have trouble focusing. And a spacey counselor is no counselor at all. I always liked working out, but until I bought actual work out clothes and had a calmer schedule, I just couldn’t get in to it. No routine. Finally, the stars aligned and I now work out 3-4 times a week. I do the most shabby-bottom routine I’ve ever heard of, which I will not even tell you, but it’s something and it serves my physical and mental health. I should probs find better work out music though, because Nelly does great things for my pace and nada for my spirit.

Moving on.

So, I eat better and I work out. What do you think happened?

this picture means nothing. but she looked so cute!

I am currently the healthiest I can ever remember being. Granted i can only remember back to age 6, but even with my still-janky sleep, I feel great most of the time. Which is a miracle for a girl who used to count it as success if I just didn’t puke everyday. (I used to get sick EVERY time I ate).  Finding out about my gluten intolerance has been one of the biggest gifts.

But something else happened. I didn’t just get much healthier (even though that was my goal) I also slimmed down a bit. Now I don’t know how much, and I have no interest in knowing what “size” i am OR how much I weight because:

I know me. I know that those numerical evaluations often strike me as signs of my worth (or lack there of).  If I know what I weigh, i will struggle not to obsess about it. If it’s high, I’ll hate myself for being fat. If it’s acceptable, i’ll stop eating until it’s “good.” There’s no such thing as “good” in my mind because even when I was anorexic (literally) and pretty skeletal in high school, I still thought I was fat.

So the last time I weighed myself I was 170. That was a year ago, but I’m sticking with it. Because there is NO weight that I could healthily be that I could rationally accept, and I just know this about me. I know that I can live this life and enjoy being healthy and accept being my size and even enjoy what I look like sometimes, but I CANNOT let this turn into a numbers game. Because at my level of maturity (or lack thereof!!) I WILL let my concept of those numbers ecclipse my concept of my God.

all images via the google

So, yes, I can currently wear clothes i haven’t worn since I was 16.

But how much do I weigh? I don’t wanna know.

What are the things you have to think about to keep you healthy? are there things you CAN’T do? What attitude do you generally have about health/food/your body?


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