So anyway, back to talking about “us,”
the homedude and I talked, and decided to check things out, see what would happen, and let me tell you it was a ton of ridiculous cuteness. I wrote a lot of it down but since we haven’t learned how to be friends again (which is my pseudo-sly way of letting you know that when checked out, things didn’t work out romantically) so I’m not going to share them, but did you know that a person can fall asleep head-over-heals for someone, and wake up not even sure they LIKE them anymore?
Well, they can.
The great thing about that, though is that my worth and security are established in Jesus, and He NEVER is “just not that into me” any more.
When things shook out, and homedude decided he didn’t want to date, I was actually really okay with that. I think a lot of things, all of which God has been working in me over the last few years, made that possible.
First of all, I was beautifully and absolutely secure in Jesus’ love for me before homedude said anything about liking me. The fact that by God’s grace i was blissfully not looking for security in anything other than Jesus meant I got to just enjoy the process of getting to know someone. I didn’t need him or his affection or his attention, so when I didn’t get them it was a lot easier to deal with.
Also, i had no idea it was coming. Now, if you know me, you know that’s not that out-of-the-ordinary, but for reasons I’m not going to explain, I thought homedude didn’t love Jesus (he does) and, again, by God’s grace, I’m so freaking crazy about Jesus that everyone knows I’m not going to date someone who isn’t equally emphatic about it. Bubby says I’m addicted to Jesus. It’s true. I’m so dang grateful for the addiction. So anyway, all of that points to the fact that I just never expected anyone who doesn’t love Jesus to think that I’d like them. So since we “figured things out” for just a few weeks, and I wasn’t expecting anything before hand, my mind hadn’t had time to dwell on possibilities….
Which is another thing I’ve seen God working on: getting my imagination under control. See, two weeks plenty of time to go from zero to imaginary married in girl world. But it’s not where I went. I tried and mercifully succeeded in day dreaming about things like: what would be a good way to spend our time together? How can I be praying for our friendship? i mean did I also think about what I wanted to wear on our date that weekend? Uhm, does a bear poop in the woods? (yes). But I’m just saying, having a better thought life during helped for a better mental recovery after.
All of that being said, what I did NOT prepare for was that though we’d been friends for YEARS, I’d never seen this side of him. For better or for worse (i’ve seen both) I’m largely the same person as a friend as I am a girlfriend (hell if we’re honest, I’m a better friend. but i don’t kiss my friends and i’m an awesome kisser. JOKING! maybe. about part of that. But which part? EXACTLY. moving on). But he was not the same guy as “friend,” as he was “friend who liked me,” and…y’all, i was a SMITTEN KITTEN.
So him not having feelings for me/not wanting to date was totes fine. For seriously.
But losing the deeper friendship we had developed over those few weeks, and now that I realize, a few months before that (when his behavior changed as he realized he wanted to be with me and, yes, sneak attack dated me a little) was R.O.U.G.H. I could rationalize and gospel my way through it again and again, but the truth was I totally dug talking on the phone with him, playing with him, getting to know him, and when that was taken away,
y’all. it was hard. I was sad…… and then I had to throw out the “it’s not you.” but i’ll explain that next time.