Okay, now i’ll be serious.
I’m not sure how to start this, other than to say that December was a weird month. I know I’ve been scanty on my blogs since August, and that was not without cause. Then I just kinda got into it. You know, have you ever stumbled into a pattern you never meant to set? That’s kind of been the theme for me over the past few months. (I know we just started a new year, but that’s sooooo much time to take in! I still measure in semesters, because I am still in school.)
I started a lot of new habits this semester. Things like:
- I started thinking a lot more before I spoke.
- I started working out regularly.
- Then I started working out even more.
- I now shop based on sales ads for grocery stores. (Sprouts, HEB, and El Rancho)
- I started mentoring two teenage sisters.
- I started wearing pants!
- I stopped reading and only listened to the bible.
- and I got really, really, REALLY selfish- which I could explain through a lot of other examples of patterns I see in my life.
Yeah, that’s where we’re going. You see, this past month a few really surprising things happened, and long story short, I ended up spending about the last week of last year NOT reading the bible and NOT praying.
No, not like doing these things lightly. I mean not at all. I mean thinking about the Bible, and consciously saying, “No, there are other things I want more. In fact, I want ANYTHING or even NOTHING more than I want this.”
I watched episodes of Buffy on netflix (and now I really want a TV). I read five books in as many days. Yes, y’all. FIVE. (Sidenote, I reccommend Fisher Amelie, M Leighton, and Shelly Crane if you need some clean YA fiction with loose if theologically questionable mention of God.) I took walks. Lots of walks.
And at the end of the week, I realized I had not prayed. Not once. I thought about it and I just didn’t.
Do you know how you go from a woman who LOVES reading the Bible, who is on track to reading the whole thing in 90 days, who prays several times a day, to a woman who goes completely without?
Selfishness is the only answer I can find. When I finally responded to the gentle stirrings and pullings of my heart, when I finally turned back to the King who had been patiently, constantly calling my name, I saw pattern after pattern of selfishness. I hadn’t replace my love and affection for God in my life with nothing. I’d replaced it with me.
And what really sickens me is who rare this isn’t. When I really look at my life, I see that just like I started working out a little, and before I really realized what was going on, I was running 5 times a week,
I had given myself a little freedom a few months ago, and before I knew it I was subsisting on only freedom, with no heed for the slavery I have to Christ, the obedience that comes from a great Love.
And I am taking what, for me, is a great risk (cause I’ve got an approval idol the size of the metroplex, and people who judge me based on what I say here) by telling you these things before I’m on the other side.
I don’t think this is going to be a battle quickly won. I don’t think I’m gonna kill this selfishness any time soon.
And if I’m honest, I’m probably only a little more selfish than I ever have been, but far more aware of the situation.
This has been a lot of words so far. I promise I’ll keep writing and post more thoughts on this later this week. But here’s a starting point.
Ritz, the selfish little blessed one.