::a post I wasn’t sassy enough to publish in August 2011::
This is satire, y’all. It’s an attempt at a funny way to bring to light an issue I feel like would be much more difficult to discuss if I took it seriously- that being all of the things that the world tells me make me a more marketable human being, can be very differently construed in other circles.
I’m reading this book called How to Be Single ::edit, it was kinda smutty. i’ve learned my lessons that some books are going to have sex scenes, even comedies:: by Liz Tucillo and I’m only 80 pages in but already I’m in love. You know, cause love is like that. But as much as I can appreciate the points she’s making, I’ve got to insert one perspective she’s missing: How to Be Single when you’re a Christian running in a circle of young, restless, and reformed.
So let me tell you, in case you’re in a relationship, unintelligibly oblivious, or a dude:
Being a mid twenties single woman at church does not JUST mean that you don’t have a romantic significant other. It means you’re dangerous.
And you know what’s even more dangerous than a single woman in today’s rising young, restless, and reformed culture?
And educated, mildly-attractive single woman.
That kind of woman is like the triple threat of singles. Except instead of Paula Abdul complimenting her and the crowd going wild, the interesting things she says or does, if not with hidden eyes and hushed tones in a room full of women only, makes the point again, “That girl needs to learn her place.”
Girls like that are to be watched out for.
If a girl is married or wears potato sacks for clothing or goes deaf and dumb when a man walks in the room, she’s fine.
But if you’re single, like clothes, and can keep up (or ::gasp:: START) a conversation — WHOA NELLY, What are you thinking who wayward Jezebel?! (All the single ladies, can I get an A-Men?!). Why don’t you go get some established headship, like a father or a husband, I mean, you can just whip one of those up, can’t you? Cause you’re clearly already bringing down the world with your wanton ways of smiling and wearing jeans that fit, you might as well just buck all standards and trends. And while you’re at it, I can see in your eyeballs that you are either suprememly interested in stealing someone’s man, or else your bimbette brain just can’t process that you are the cause of the demise of America’s youth. You, and your platform heels. And the Kardashians. And that show with the over tanned over gymed people.
I know the rest of the world tells you you’re in a great place. And you think you’re just enjoying yourself and being good company. But you’re not. You’re distracting people and you need to go serve with the children, who won’t notice you because we’ll make you use the sack-of-shame, otherwise known as the standard ministry t-shirt. There you may run free with your peers, the smiling, skirted, ringless droves. The single ladies.
But don’t talk to dads when they pick up the kids. Ho.
special thx to Stuff Christians Like, Don Miller, and Jesus Needs New PR for giving ruffled believers an avenue to address stuff like this. P.s. readers – Y’all got any tongue-and-cheek you want to share? Open invite for a little snark. (not a lot, bebegirl, just a little bit).