::clearly, from Feb of 2012. just a post i wrote in the middle of that week’s existential crisis. It didn’t get better. But 2 months later, it did get easier::
jaykay, that’s just my favorite sonnet.
But really, I’m pissed about Feb 28th. Because in addition to being the birthday of some of my favsies (uncle PC and lovey) it’s also the birthday of…well, another one of my favsies, sorta.
The friend who back last Fall wanted to be more, until I said it was too hard, and he peaced out.
It’s been a few months since this complete cut off. At first I was fine. Because I thought I was just going to be waiting a little while. Which turned into a month. I did the check-in. More silence. It’s been two months now and zero contact.
And I am still running the hamster wheel of emotions over it.
I’ve dated a little since then. Sneak attack guy here, random dudeimet there, whatevsies. But there’s still a wall up. Cause there’s no CLOSURE.
And mostly because, I’m so hurtandconfused. All one word. Because we were friends for three EFFING years. Okay, the years weren’t effing. They were just regular years. I don’t even know how a year would eff, but I was looking for some emphasis, you know?
And what I can’t get over, the big can’t get over, is how do you just throw a person away? Someone you cared about, unless you stopped caring but even then, how do you stop caring. I openly admit, this has NEVER been my strong suit. For better and for worse (sometimes both) I have the ability to care about EVERYTHING and to care a lot. High capacity for caring. Not that it doesn’t take a toll. And the idea of not caring anymore, just letting something go, is SUPER foreign to me. I know God is good and active everytime it happens because that is NOT a natural reaction for me. So of course, if it’s not what I would do it must be wrong. No… but it’s still hard for me to understand.
And then there’s the rejection. Not romantically, which would be easier cause if you don’t want to date someone, then, whatever, i totally support that. I think romance should be reserved for the “really really worth it” s of life. And I was the one who said (loudly, and probably pretty rudely now that I’ve had waaaaaaay to long to think about it) that I didn’t want to try anymore, that it was just too hard. No, romantic rejection would be easier.
But this feels so much more personal. Rejection of the friendship (whether or not that’s what this is. not that I would know. see aforementioned radio silence) leads to me thinking: I AM NOT ENOUGH. I’m not enough for someone to even want to continue to know.
I fight that with truth, that my value is established and secure and more than I could ever hope or imagine.
But it’s still hard when this day rolls around and I can’t even tell him “happy birthday.”
I just feel like….