the sneak-attack-introduced dude

“he’s not ignoring me, he’s just…”
“he’s just ???”
“he’s not what I’m used to.”
“so he didn’t get down on one knee and confess he’s been in love with you for years?”
“…right.”

Oh man, can we talk about how I love realizing how high maintenance i am?

I've never thought that. (lie)

Cause I don’t. I don’t love realizing how spawlt I am. That’s spoiled but the way I say it is with the Texas Twang. Maybe Tennessee. I’m a complicated Mexibillady. That’s a mexibilly lady. I just came up with it. You like? OHRIGHTBACKTOTHEPOINT:

That guy, the one my mom sneak-attack  introduced me to, actually ended up emailing me. And for a week, we sent a few messages back-and-forth. I just kept getting this feeling, though, that he just isn’t in to it.

Which I’m fine with. I’m totes okay with a dude meeting me and not wanting to date me. I should be able to say this because I am secure in my relationship with Christ and I don’t need anyone to like me or want me for me to have value. And I am (secure) and I don’t (need anyone to like me), but I also know that a goodly portion of my immediate security is because of how well I am loved in general. And the fact that…there’s no way for this to not sound haughty… I get plenty of attention. And that leads to something else.

While I get a pretty good idea of what people intend most times, I do have a pretty big blind spot when it comes to men liking me. Obviously.

i think this has something to do with Magic Cards, but i love it.

And what am I used to when someone decides to show interest? I am used to professions of deep, long-lasting, intentions-toward-marriage affection. And flowers and tools and songs and poems written for/about me. So, I acknowledge that he COULD maybe just be interacting with me as most people interact. But I’m a spoiled goose, and so this level of attention feels like being ignored.

So I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. And eventually he did suggest we go out for coffee. But when I said when I was available, he never followed up. Content to let the nothing die, and pretty sure that he was just contacting me because of the pressure of meeting me through a family member, I was okay with it. More than okay. Y’all, I know what I want, and more guy friends is not it. I mean I’ll meet a dude and hang out with him in groups, but (and there’s no way for this to sound good either) I have enough friends. I have lots of friends I only see once every few months: and I HATE that. So I do NOT want to put much effort into something new.

Does that sound awful? Yeah, kinda. But I know what I want and what I value. I value the people and things to which I’ve been called and I’m willing to put most else on the chopping block to pursue those things well.

But…..I also know that I do want to get married some day (I refuse to be embarrassed about saying that out loud). I’m not more unhappy about being single than I am unhappy about being a student – I love my life right now! But I don’t want to be a student forever, I want to become a professional and grow in that. So too, if given my choice, I would choose to be married and pursue that as my primary calling. (Although if that is not what God has for me, I’m not going to chase after it outside of His will.) So, all that to say, if he did want to see where this could go, if he were interested in checking it out, I liked him enough (from what I knew) to give it a try. Cause getting to know someone to see if you could love them sounds fun. I’m just no longer in the stage where knowing a man for the sake of knowing him in the context of a close friendship does not sound fun. It sounds dumb. It sounds time consuming and pointless.

i couldn't be happier about all this nerdiness

I KNOW. I KNOW. This is the girl who used to scream from the mountain tops that you cannot have too many friends. Well then I got them and now I recant. For me, having too many friends is a lot like having too many jobs, it makes you not got at/to any of them.

So back to the dude. Who if I had my way, I would sit down and say, “I get that you’re not in to this, and I am not offended. I love that you know what you want and I so don’t care that I am not it. Let’s g’head and stop this dabbling our toes in things we have no interest or intent diving in to.”

Cause I’m a diver.

But instead, I just reply to his feeble communication. Because I don’t want to be rude. But in a marked growth in maturity, I don’t feel the need to baby him or act super friendly (or even normal friendly) cause it’s okay to be guarded and not dive in until safety has been established.

Boom. That really is huge growth for me.

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