The thing about shooting yourself in the foot is…
You know what I’m good at? Not counting the cost of decisions. Or not caring. Understanding that an action is the right or best one and just doing it.
Which in some ways is a great strength. If I don’t consider the cost, I don’t stutter or tremble or pause, I just go in and do whatever “it” is.
But mercy, it can also mean I get drug down and knocked out more than I think I will.
And then there are times when I’m wrong. I wasn’t supposed to do whatever “it” was, I just wanted to.
And then…there are times when I had no way of knowing.
Ya like how specific I’m being?
Anyway, I didn’t shoot myself in the foot. I do have a pretty gnarly injury on my foot but it’s the result of a fight I got in with a guitar case (i lost) and not though I think it will scar, I am not overly concerned.
I am just becoming aware that I like that when something is called for, I will usually pursue it. But I would like to grow in wisdom (I am always in need of more wisdom) such that I go into a situation knowing (as much as is possible) the things I’m facing, so I can prepare for them.
Okay okay, I’ll give you an example. It’s juicy. You’re welcome.
Soooooo my holiday plans involved La Familia. It was so wonderful. I truly, in every way, feel like part of the family with them.
Except that yes, I’ll acknowledge to no one’s surprise that I don’t feel like a sister to their oldest son, the only-man-i’ve-ever-been-in-love-with and oh-my-God-he’s-so-good-looking one. Which is usually not an issue but he was in town for la navidad. Whatever. We’ve totally gotten to this place where it’s not like “ohmigosh we can spend all our time together and it’s just fine and so fun and i totes don’t remember anything about our past, gag me with a spoon!” If not only because we are 80’s teenagers, but also because it’s just not that easy.
But we can talk, and have good conversations, and it’s fun and funny and good.
But I did NOT count the cost of when that went away. I had no way of knowing, really, and I don’t think it was the wrong decision to spend Christmas with them. I loved it, it felt like Christmas, it was wonderful and beautiful and I’m so grateful for them. But there came a moment last night when I just thought, “I need out of this place.”
Somehow staying, where I was loved and cherished and enjoyed and wanted wasn’t enough. My heart was wrestling with things I don’t understand and I don’t think had anything to do with the situation and probably I just needed sleep. But you know where you DONT want to be when your heart throws a coup? Around your ex. I’m just saying, y’all. So I left.
And I didn’t say goodbye…
and let’s just say, I learned the hard way, no matter how much you just want to leave,
sometimes you still ought to say goodbye.