I have nightmares a lot. Most of them are no big deal once I wake up, although I may need to talk to someone to sorta cleanse the pallete of a scary feeling that lingers even after i may forget the subject of the dream.
But y’all, there are some things that my community is really passionate about and two of them are orphan care and fighting human trafficking. So when I started reading last night a novel that I am sure was SUPPOSED to be a story of love and fortitude, but started with three children being orphaned, sold, and separated, I knew I was a goner. (For the record, the book is titled My Heart Remembers and it was a free download from Kindle, and though I only read the first three chapters I can’t recommend it. Anyone read all the way through? Worth a second go?) I started another book that read roughly like the beginning of American History X (also not what I wanted) before stopping to move on to what, though I’ll never know, I’m pretty sure was going to turn into a trashy novel.
GREAT! All I wanted to do was read a few chapters to relax before bed, something that wouldn’t make me think to much but was still enjoyable, and clearly that is not what I got.
So you guessed it, I had nightmares about child trafficking and voilent youth cycles in inner cities last night. Why? Because I have an incredible imagination and should be pickier with free downloads (The inner city youth book was In The Light of You and it is probably a good book just NOT something I want to read right before bed….or ever maybe, and the trashy one was Forgotten Father, (and in case you like or wrote this book, let me clarify: by trashy i mean it seemed it might describe sex scenes which, whatever, I guess is fine but that is not something I want in my media. Except for the music i listen to when i work out. but ignore the lyrics to. but sometimes i can’t ignore them so i forgo that, as well. but i’m really sorry I didn’t like your book. I bet I would have if I didn’t think i was going to have to read sex. Moving on.) and FTR I am NOT recommending them, I just want you to be aware in case you, like me, are a sucker for free books).
Anyway I woke up KNOWING I wasn’t going to get any more (good) sleep so I thought about going to work out because a)i wanted to work out today anyway and b)i was willing to do anything to stay away from those nightmares, so I wanted to get FAR away from sleep. Working out is pretty far from sleeping for me.
BUT I was still VERY tired and stumbling around like a fool so I had some pretty serious doubts re: my agility. I only ever work out on the elliptical (don’t judge me) and I had visions of me falling asleep while trotting along and being flung across the gym onto some unsuspecting weightlifter by the inertia. Let me tell you, I got in probably the most pitiful 5 miles of my life, but I was grateful to have spent time sweating and burning calories rather than tossing and turning in bed (there isn’t anything mentally productive I can get done in the post-nightmare state).
Although, truth be told, I was still no where near being grateful for the bad dreams. Until, at 8 am, (after I’d gotten home, showered, hung out with my roommmate a little, dried my hair…) i get a call from my friend’s dad,
telling me she’s having a hard time
and could use a call.
Since she’s in another continent, I said I’d jet up to the office to skype her. “It’s not too much trouble?” “LOVING THE BELLE IS NEVER TROUBLE!”
And when I got here and was able to video chat (despite my camera doing this INSANE zoom/unzoom/rezoom thing), before the center even opened, before I would even be awake some days, and spend an hour and a half just talking to the sweet love, without neglecting anything because I’d been up so long anyway, I thought:
worth the nightmares.
worth the piddly level one (easiest you can do) 5 miles
worth the bags under my eyes and the intense sleepiness I’m sure will hit me later.
She’s worth it all. Because I love her. And though I didn’t CHOOSE this morning’s pace or events, God did. And it’s just nice that in little moments I can see that even when I am in great despair (yes, THAT is how I’d describe these kinds of nightmares) God is working all things for my good. I don’t ever have to suck it up and just get through things, because even if I Never understand how, I can trust him and that what he says is all true. And that encourages me and gives me strength to be joyful always.
ya know, or at least to ask Him to help me try. :)
(tlee, that last reference ALWAYS reminds me of you)