::wow. i wrote this in september of 2011. i wonder why i never posted it. I guess it doesn’t really go anywhere….you tell me. anything resonating?::
Sometimes I wonder how I can live a life surrounded by people who love me, and love me a LOT, how I could doubt that love. How could I feel unloveable?
I think there is a lot to be said for early experiences. We all had them, those moments that were not louder, longer, or more painful than the rest, but they certainly felt that way.
I have several of those. Memories that, at the most inopportune times, will suddenly come into my head like a flash of lightning and it’s accompanying thunder, knocking me from whatever “you are loved,” message I was getting and reclaiming my self-concept. Oh, that’s right, that’s who I am. Unloveable. Unwanted.
Sometimes I want to tell you. Describe to you the moments that have molded themselves to my soul.
Would that help pry them off? Take away their power? If I told you the lies once told me, would they be quieter, now revealed for the awful, ugly things they are?
And what of those who said such things, if not with words than actions?
And how, when I know Grace abundant, Mercies each morning, and Love that does not end, does not turn around, does not change, can I not look back and see where I have told others, with my words and my actions, that THEY are unloveable. They are unworthy.
And what matters more?
I know what matters MOST, but I confess, I often get confused on the way down. (Which, as it turns out, is the way up).
I am currently reading and studying a lot on greif and loss and how those things mold people. I’d love to share more but for now I want to leave you with two thoughts that the Gospel, and in particular Gospel counseling, have taught me:
Every sin that has ever been committed against me, every lie I’ve ever been told, was washed away by the blood of Jesus. I am not bound by those sins, evils, lies. AND
Those things were real and will be used for my good and God’s glory. I don’t have to forget them or ignore them. God’s grace will lead me, everyday, to a place where I can live, knowing the grief will only last for this life, and even though it may last for my entire life, God’s grace will always be sufficient.