For… a while now, I’ve known that my “online persona” was a pretty silly, basic version of me.
And part of that is very honest: I am at times (at most times) quite silly. And in some areas, I can be quite basic.
And part of that is purposeful. Because there are some things that I feel very passionately toward, about which I’ve chosen to educate myself, and over which I’d love to have a conversation. But a blog is not a conversation, it is not a situation in which I can look into your eyes, or hold your hand, or pray over you as we encounter difficult topics together.
And part of that has been me hiding.
In high school, people called me…well a lot of things, but one of them was “ritz the ditz.” Because it rhymed. And because my high gpa did nothing to combat my flitty presence. At least, not to those who only knew me from a distance.
And the thing about people thinking you’re dumb is: they don’t expect much from you. They laugh with you. They laugh at you, but you don’t have to mind your p’s and q’s because when you get things backward (or say some jackwaggon thing) they just say, “Oh, that’s just Ritz.” And laugh it off.
But I’m not stupid. Or uneducated. Or flippant as my twitterfeed would have you believe.
I’ve been blessed with much education, including three separate bachelor’s degrees (which I earned with honors) from an amazing university. I remember most of what I’ve learned for the past 24 years (for the first three, I make little account) and I think about it all, integrating it into the new things I encounter.
I care about almost every single issue I’ve ever run across. And people friends, when it comes to thoughts and ideas, I spend a lot of time running around.
I’m sinful as the day is long, but I’m not stupid or vapid or uncaring:
Yet, I am scared. Scared of the burden of being a banner-waver for things even so fundamental as truth.
I’m currently dating a man who, among his many other amiable qualities (kind eyes, sweet smile, great arms…), is a man of integrity.
So much so that I trust him. I trust that in every situation where we do not agree, even if he is wrong, it will not be for lack of care or thought.
It is largely as a result of knowing him that I realized what was going on. You know when you’re around someone whose general goodness either a) wears off on you or b) shows you how much goodness you’re lacking? Yeah. It’s kind of like spending time with Jesus, except that with Jesus, I see first that I have no goodness aside from Him, and every goodness in Him. (Aside: one of the great blessings of community is that you get to see so many sides of Jesus from people who represent so many parts of him.)
So between the man above and the King above (see what I did there? incredibly cheesy segue!) I’ve been seeing that I have relied on flippancy in not just an attempt at sharing fun and levity, but as a way to avoid the responsibility of one to whom much has been given.
And I am sorry. Because there is a song on my heart, the one my soul sings. And it is not eloquent. And it is not pretty. And it is not good. But it sings of the goodness of Him who Saves, and if I only ever get to share one thing, I want that to be it:
That in every thing and in every thought: Jesus is Lord of all things who created all things and rules all things, who lived a perfect life and died a sinner’s death to take the place of all his loved ones, and was resurrected, CONQUERING sin and death so that through faith in His power, faith that comes through the grace of His Spirit, all His beloved could be with him now, in a world He works to redeem and restore, and in eternity, in the new heavens and the new earth, which He will bring when He comes back.
(Holy run-on sentence, Batman!)
And if I share that, also, I think I may also speak of shoes and class and kissing and dancing and hard things and all things –
but only when I first speak of Truth, in Love,
and not relying on the hope that you’ll expect little of me.