it’s a funny word. And, incidentally, a great Lisa Loeb song I’d forgotten until the mighty reminding powers of the google.
Let’s get into this.
Last night, I admitted something terrifying and kind of ugly to my boyfriend. Even though we’ve only been dating a minute and a half (my favorite hyperbolic expression for a very short period of time), I have recently found myself struggling to have romantic feelings for him. This shouldn’t/doesn’t surprise anyone who knows me.
Because in romantic relationships, I contract the B-S-Cs. (Bat-Shit-Crazy. I know, it’s vulgar, which I think makes it a particularly good descriptor. Because the LEVEL OF CRAZY I GET, when put in romantic relationships, it’s vulgar as well.)
But THAT is for another post. This post isn’t about guano, it’s about Jesus. Don’t worry, we’ll get there.
So I tell
the feverish pile of dry-coughing man flesh the homenovio (who I’m SUPPOSED to be taking care of) that, because it’s been busy, and we haven’t been on a date in a month, and he’s been unable to pay me much attention, and all the other general real-lifeness that people don’t always get starting the moment they are asked to be official, I wasn’t feeling romantic.
And he said,
“Well, I don’t love you any less.”
And that about broke me. Because what I really fear, even more than not feeling things for him, is what it would mean if he no longer had feelings for me. So I asked, “Do …you ever struggle to feel that way?”
“Not yet,” (brief pause in which my brain exploded, maybe) “but I know that happens in every relationship, where you don’t feel it, but you still act out of that truth.” (pierce. my. heart.)
“But when you aren’t married, how do you know when to stay?”
He smiled and shook his head (maybe the most movement I’ve seen from him in days. Seriously has the black death. Not seriously. Jokingly. But seriously he feels awful.) “I don’t know….”
“Oh…you just stay by nature.”
And then it all came crashing down. Again.
David reminds me of Jesus in his slow, steady, sure love. A love that stays (or, it has, at least, for a minute and a half, and for that time has shown me parts of Jesus’ constitution that I will forEVER cherish, no matter what happens with us).
See, David’s a stay-er. It’s just his nature. He rides things out. He’s patient. He listens. He is my antithesis this way.
I’m a bail-er, through-and-through. I react, quickly, LOUDLY, and walk away. But I’m working on it.
And what breaks my heart about this whole beautiful, weird, revealing interaction is not ANYthing to do with David and I. It’s about me and Jesus.
Because when push-comes-to-shove and I dont FEEL anything for Jesus –
which, let me pause there and say that as a Christian who BELIEVES in these truths, I still have times, and more often than I’d like to admit,
WHEN I DON’T FEEL ANYTHING FOR JESUS.
Maybe not nothing, so much as sometimes apathy, sometimes just a desire for something else. I struggle with these things. In relation to the perfect lover. Who has all the time and energy and affection to give me that I could ever ask for.
Anyway, when that happens, I’m struck with the fear that Jesus, too, will get over His affection for me. That Jesus will decide I’m not that great and He’s just not into it anymore.
So when I know David will stay because it’s who he is, it’s terrifying and aggravating and beautiful. Because it reminds me, in an imperfect shadow of a way, of why Jesus stays.
Because what I want is for him, and ultimately for Jesus, to stay, to love me, to want me, because I’m good enough. I want David to say,
“I’ll stay with you because you’re amazing. You’re beautiful and smart and strong and those things inspire me and so even if I’m not feeling it, I know you’re amazing and I want to stay with you.”
Basically, I want to hear, “I stay with you because you are worthy.”
But I’m not.
The only thing that’s good in me is Jesus. So for anyone, especially the God of the Universe to look at me and tell me I am enough would be a lie. HE is enough. He is why I am enough for him. Because of who He is, not because of who I am.
I want Jesus to think I’m enough because I know that I am not. I know I’m a failure, a sinner, saved by grace and not by works, and yet I desperately want to and try to work at it, I want to try hard and pull up my bootstraps and be wave that American flag and say I DID IT.
But I didn’t. He did. He did it all and He’ll do it all because it’s who He is.
Thank ….well..Him, actually.