Finding Freedom, Fighting Fears, and Falling Asleep

Yesterday didn’t go as planned.

 

Which, is fitting, as most of yesterday was spent thinking about what happens when things don’t go as planned.

 

It started when I got to go take care of my friend’s little ones while she had to jet to work for a little. It was such a joy to just play and sit and cuddle a squeezie. Also I got to climb a roof to rescue a helicopter. All in a few hours sitting, right?

just some silliness

just some silliness

 

And this particular friend and I share a lot of heartbeats. Our relationship is one of those fast-and-spirit-fired ones that I treasure for what God has already done, and what the whispers of love tell me He will do, between us. When she got home we chatted for…whoops! Three hours about life, the universe, and everything. (42! that’s the answer!) And I was reminded of the following:

 

When i think of my relationships with other people, it is complicated.

When i think of my relationship with myself, it is messy.

When i think of my relationship with creation, it can be overwhelming.\

But when i think of my relationship with God, it is all of those things….

 

but all wrapped up in overwhelming love and freedom.

 

I have a lot of friends who don’t love Jesus. And a lot who do. But there are many discrepancies among all of our experiences and views of what that means, exactly. So I wanted to say, for the record:

 

Jesus, as far as I know and experience Him, isn’t about rules or fear or condemnation,

He’s about love that stays and wins and gives and never fails.

 

He’s about comfort and sacrifice on our behalf and in him I know, the truest things about me are good and true and irrevocable and all the pesky difficult temporary things are just the garnish.

 

contemplate the things, yo

contemplate the things, yo

 

Then last night Homenovio and I went to dinner with some friends who, funnily enough, remind me of that same type of friendship I was mentioning above. We had dinner and drinks and talked and it was fun and sweet and super different from what we had planned….

 

which is good because i ended up crying on the couch.

 

it wasn’t a bad cry…

it was an embarrassed one.

 

and, i’m not usually one who gets embarrassed….

but we were talking about something that was just hard for me to bring up, which is SUPER unusual, to find an issue about which I cannot only talk but carefully illustrate all my points and thoughts and feelings (and thoughts about my feelings, and feelings about my thoughts….).

 

But did you know that one of the most beautiful things about conflict is when you get to have it in front of, and therefor “with” (though not….against, if you consider conflict that way) others, un-involved parties who can speak truth and calm hearts and help fight lies?

 

I knew it. i know it. i stake a lot of my professional future on it.

 

buuuuuut i forgot until this week.

 

It was amazing to be able to sit and tell my love, and two other people who we love and who love us, about some fears in my heart that i know are ugly, but that i want/need help fighting. and they fought for me, and helped me fight, and we laughed a lot too.

 

then we watched videos of how to transform glass bottles into cups. srsly. you’d be amazed at the ways we pass our time/entertain ourselves and are genuinely in community.

 

 

Since his car is still broken, I also had to drop homenovio off at his house before coming home. I cannot tell you how much this simple act breaks my heart. I can’t even really tell you WHY it is difficult for me, just that it…

 

IS.

 

So sweet man decided to drop me off at home and i’m here blogginG while he’s getting up to come get me and take me to work.

from when we went to go watch the sunrise on what had to have been THE coldest morning of the year (last year).

from when we went to go watch the sunrise on what had to have been THE coldest morning of the year (last year).

WHOOPS.  he just got here. guess i should go get ready for work.

(hi, baby.)

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