letting the sin in your heart out of your mouth

I don’t want to be the one, you know what I mean?

 

No of course you don’t. Yet.

 

 

I have this business-like relationship…that I won’t describe any further other than to say I can’t avoid it, and I can’t resolve it, so I just sorta deal with it.

 

and sorta don’t.

 

 

Here’s the thing, though. I’ve tried with this relationship. There was no benefit to it, other than if I am in any way interacting with another human, I’d like it to be in the most productive and Godly way.

 

But …. let’s see….

 

It’s sorta like when you go to the same gas station, or coffee shop, and always see the same employees. Maybe there isn’t time or reason to get into deep conversation but you want to smile, and be a blessing, and show God’s love in the minutia. (well…i do.)

 

But then what if the barista makes your coffee AWFUL. And you have to say, “Oh, I’m so sorry, but this actually isn’t what I ordered. So you wait. And then she makes it three other kinds of wrong, but you have to wait between several customers for each remake. And then she says, “You know, I’m an awful barista.”

 

And you’re like…..”Well….yeah. Okay. But you’re a wonderful human being with inherent human dignity, and this is where I have to get my coffee. And when it’s right I really enjoy it. So, is there something I can do to make this easier for everyone? Come in at a different time? Write down my order? Maybe adjust it so that it’s easier to make?”

 

And she says, “No.”

 

But, you’re in it, and you’ve tried for a year (maaaaaybe you shoulda just found another coffee shop….but maybe there’s a reason you have to stay at this one).

 

And then one day it all hits the fan because of a misunderstanding gone awry and a lot of passiveness. Not on your (my) part because passive kills me.

 

Except now, that’s where I am. I’m in passive land. The land where the barista (this is not actually about a barista. i french press my coffee at home) sees you everyday and acts like nothing is wrong but whatever, clearly there is something wrong and you are contractually bound to only go to this coffee shop and you have to go there and your heart is dying cause, you tried to fix it, and they weren’t having it, and now you’re in passive land. {see above}

 

 

 

AND I DONT WANNA BRING IT UP AGAIN CAUSE I RESENT HAVING TO BE THE ONE

 

the one to say, “Hey, i know we had this misunderstanding, but I really want this to be a good relationship and not just an existant one.”

 

and by that i mean: i don’t want to be the one to say it again.

 

And i don’t even know if it’s good….

 

because boundaries and reconciliation have to co exist in a world all tangled up in sin.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know. in my heart i know that part of the issue is: I’m not living in the confidence of the gospel, i’m reacting to the facts of the situation.

 

 

And that turns my perspective the imperceptible amount it takes to turns my eyes back toward the heaven.

 

but for now, I wanted to share.

 

 

cause i bet you get it. and i bet sometimes you don’t want to have to be the one to step up to the plate either.

 

and for right now i just want to say: I’m sorry. Christ’s sacrifice on our behalf is more than enough to give us the strength and reason to move forward and pursue all things Holy. And that fact doesn’t make it less significant that your heart hurts when you have to be the one pursuing. It can make the hurt less, if you let it. But i find i don’t usually let it until i let my heart say what it needs to say.

 

like this:

 

“I DONT WANNA BE THE ONE. I DONT WANNA BE MATURE OR HOLY RIGHT NOW I JUST WANT TO BE RIGHT.”

::gentle whispers and reminders of the Holy Spirit that what i really am, above all things, is loved.::

“oh, yeah.”

::scripture that’s made it’s home in my heart, being played over in my head, giving me vision and perspective.””

“ooooooh. I forgot.”

::promise of God that he loves me and takes care of me always. even when it doesn’t feel like it. even every time i forget::

 

 

 

ya ever just need to let the sin in your heart out of your mouth before you can receive the aid of putting it to death?

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2 thoughts on “letting the sin in your heart out of your mouth

  1. Pingback: on your side | listen to miss ritz

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