Today was the kind of day that caused one very strong thought:
“When I get home, first thing: I’m going to drink a glass of wine.”
after I feed the menagerie, of course. Lord knows when i get home from a long day, EVERYthing is hungry. (The two tweener chicks. The three hatchling chicks. The duckling. The cat. (well behaved cat, right? to still be hungry with all those birds at home?)
I saw massage clients today. I saw counseling clients. I shared some really hard moments and stories from friends, classmates, teachers, strangers…. it just felt like a tough day in the world. People were hurting and despite my best efforts at professional distance, I’m still a person, and not all of these are people I encounter professionally, and beyond that: we’re called to bear one another’s burdens and mourn with those who mourn.
So it was a long-feeling day. Feeling as this day has no more or fewer hours than any other, but since I just got home 16 hours after leaving, (#humblebrag?) and had a life-filled way of living, it feels longer than some others.
And when I got home, after cleaning cages and replacing food and throwing the trash and doing laundry and realizing that no matter how much I clean, I’m not going to get over this feeling, I prayed.
I said, “I’m so angry. I’m so resentful. I didn’t even know but there’s just so much in there. And I feel so lost without you.”
and I became aware that I was taking for granted that I am somehow without Him in these times. That it’s just me left to figure things out. Which OUGHT to be darn terrifying because, come on, I’m not-so-great at the fixing of things of my own volition. (Nor are you, ya little sinner. Lest ye be confused, I firmly believe we all pretty much suck without the intervention of God. No humanism here. And yet, usually, so much optimism….in Christ.)
I remembered that I am not without him, ever. That the very most true thing about me is that I am His. That I cannot escape his love and truth no matter how I try because I’m just not bigger or truer or stronger than He is: a truth for which I am incredibly grateful.
And I remembered something I’ve been learning this year, as I try to submit to the things I don’t like, as I try first to learn from them, not just change them. That this is not mine and I do not have to fix it. I have to follow him, even if he takes me there to that scary place, wherever and how ever it is.
And I’ll come out of the desert of my grumbling and see the blessings before me and say, “What is this?” since I can’t imagine the goodness he has in store. And I’ll know, it’s the bread the Lord has given me.