What is Important?

::ohmygoshsoold. Look what I found!::

 

I’m writing this post in early December.

It’s late at night and looking at the situation in which I find myself, I think it is just as likely that when this publishes, a million days from now, that I will be dating Hoyt as that I won’t.

Anyway, part of what I wanted to do with my six-months-turned-three-months of singleness was to discover what really was important to me in a relationship. That way, I could know, could say, “Hey, if this is what you’re offering, okay, let’s give it a try. But if not, I know what I want and this isn’t it.”

And you know what? I surprised myself.

Because I’ve figured for a while that the only important thing to look for in a man was that he love and follow Jesus.  But that’s just not true for me. It’s the MOST important thing, but not the only one. God made me the way I am for a reason and for the right person, the way I am will be a blessing! So, for me to be in a romantic relationship with someone, I’ve realized I need some things without which I’m just not going to flourish. And it’s been hard for me to admit, but I know it’s true, and I’m trying to believe it’s okay. Like:

Affection and attraction. Some people need exercise to keep from going crazy. Some need alone time. I need affection. And I get plenty, I’m well loved. I’m always with kids and I’m around women who like hugs so I get my fill. But If I’m going to be with someone, this person is going to need to be really in to me. I don’t have the energy otherwise. I could go on and explain but right now I don’t want to. I’m just going to say that when it comes to this, I’m needy.

Along with that comes the fact that I need to play. To engage on a deep, intentional level. And often. Interact with me!

Pianoanna is like the opposite of me. She is the lowest maintenance wife I’ve ever met. She and her husband absolutely love one another, but they just don’t spend all their time doing lovey-dovey things. They do sometimes, but they’re chill. And that works for them. (It works WELL for them, they’ve got a STRONG relationship)

But I want lovey dovey! And no amount of DESIRE to be practical is going to change that.

It is important to me to go out and do things. I’m really bad at this on my own but if a relationship is going to carry the weight required of the step up from friendship, it’s just got to have better yields too. That’s just science. ;) I want to actually go on DATEs with someone if we’re dating.

That’s all of the surprising/hard-to-admit stuff for now.  Tonight I’m fighting the fight to know and believe that God is enough and that he’s in this, and I’m just giving him a chance to teach me what he wants to, and it doesn’t have to be scary. And if it ends, because Hoyt doesn’t have the time to pay me attention or just ends up not-that-into-me, that’s fine too! God will not stop being the big strong loving God that He is.

Just cause they're on my mind...these guys are important.

Explosions on the Counter

::just a little anachronistic, for funsies, post. because my belle brought strawberries and winter branch left me champy champs. and I’m packing. and listening to boyce avenue. and i got to fall in love with baby waverly tonite. le sigh::

sometimes when your roommate gets ready for a date, she explodes ALL OVER THE COUNTER

take it in, folks

and sometimes….

i swear this was not staged. reading glasses and a waterbottle? really?!

Sometimes, YOU are that roommate. Or….I am.

I’m so so sorry, Mel.

(I did clean up, by the way.)

why did i insist she be in the photo, while she was brushing her teeth? cause im eeeevil.

Twenty Truths and a Lie

Have you ever played that game “Two Truths and a Lie?”

It’s a getting-to-know-you game that you play with people who haven’t heard your life story. You tell them two true things and one false thing and they guess which one is the falsie. (Oh mercy. Augmentation jokes running through my head!) 

Well since I’ve been off-line for 6.5 weeks, I decided I will tell you all about my adventures – but first I’m going to make a list of them and one will be an adventure that I did not have (although maybe one I want to) and it’s up to you to figure out which one did NOT happen. Then, once you’ve guessed, I’ll go through telling, or at least summarizing, the stories.

Yes, I’m going to purposely tell the truth but kinda stretch it to be funny and challenging on this list. BECAUSE IT’S A FUN GAME, PEOPLE FRIENDS!  I’ll clarify upon elaborations. Ready?

1) I got arrested and became (or realized I was) an accused felon.

2) I tuned into a mermaid.

3) Bruce (my car) denied me access to himself. Twice.

4) Bruce (Willis) just made me fall more in twitterpation.

5) With much alacrity (almost not sarcasm) decided to start selling my body for money.

6) A surprise trip to San Antonio with a boy turned into pretty pretty baked goods for me and the squeezies.  A surprise trip to Dallas turned into an awful fight.

7) A planned trip to Tennessee showed me my sin and how much I need a travel buddy.

8) I finally, not of my own choice,  gave up my lovey. 25 years was all the life he had in him.

9)  After hearing mean awful things from a mouth pledged to protect, I saw myself the way God did.

10) I signed up for my first counseling conference. I’ll go w a woman called dust and a man named after a gun.

11) Oh and speaking of counseling,  last week in class, we had a memorial service for a cat. We all sat and mourned a cat we never met.

12) I finally started the process to get official on the dyslexia diagnosis.

13) coincidentally? I started going blind.

14) And deaf.

15)  Being away from posting social media was not hard.

16) Admitting that I metaphorically run to reading other’s social media posts was. So I started cutting myself off from google reader. Or, I thought about it at least.

17) Broke from lawyer fees and stressed for time, I decided to buy and re purpose patio furniture. #logic

18) Starting LTG with two amazing ladies showed me that I have THE best friends. But no best friend. It also made me realize that $50 is not always too much to spend on dinner.

19) I considered that I might have the gift. You know. THE gift. ;)

adorabuns. can't we all just get along?

20)I started, went through, and ended a relationship mostly kept from those around me.

21) I spent my favorite day of the year with a few thousand of my closest relatives.

And there you have it, peoplefriends. So what’s you’re best guess? Leave comments below and I’ll make cookies or something for the first person who correctly guesses.

the Perspective of a Giraffe

 

Studying at  a book store recently, I hopped down the stairs in search of the ladies room. On my way, I locked eyes with a friendly, handsome man whose smile I happily returned. Then I got down a few more steps, was able to see his face clearly (didn’t have contacts in) and realized it was the Giraffe! (The Giraffe is a good friend from UT.)

He was on his lunch break and ended up joining me at my table to eat. I wish I could chronolog his cute little quirks (including eating with one hand while pristinely reading a book from the store with the other, in such a fashion that I was sure he’d done this many times previous) but that’s not today’s story.

See, we were catching up, and I told him how I’d seen/talked to both of my last two exes this week. He asked me how I felt about it (what a counselor!) and I said,

“I mean, I dated a man for whom there was no end to passion, but who didn’t understand a thing I said. Then I dated my best friend who understands everything about me, but for whom I felt nothing more than a strong sibling’s affection. I guess it’s nice…I never really thought either of those things existed.”

“Aren’t you excited about finding the one who’s both?”

“…..I don’t really believe that’s possible.”

The twinkle in his eyes and his half-way smile said, “C’mon, sister, we’ve got a strong, mighty, sovereign God for our Daddy.” but his mouth only said,

“Yeah. It’s possible.”

travel timing

When the beautiful blizzard of dating, finals, holidays, and planning international travel happened in Early December, i KNEW that (a very small) part of the blessing of this trip would be time to just think.

and it has been.

Though lovey(the friend who brought me), lovely (lovey’s sister, whose name means lovely) and I have sat about talking, I’ve spent a good amount of time just

thinking. (enter Gaston “Lafou I’m afraid i’ve been thinking,” Lafou “A dangerous passtime-” “I know!”)

There were some things I wanted to think about. Like breaking up with Hoyt. When it happened, I was 100% as much as sure as you can be of anything not written in the Bible that it was supposed to. But he was apparently just-as-sure it wasn’t. The ONLY thing that made me break up with Hoyt was that I was sure it was what Jesus wanted. I knew I was allowed to start dating him, then I knew we were done. But I wanted to leave the door open that my stubborn heart could be so outta whack that I’d be totally wrong. So I wanted time, away from any influence that could make me feely or nostalgic, to pray and think, to “re-make-sure,” if that makes sense.

I also wanted to think about priorities. I really want to start serving in an orphanage back home, but it will be a stretch on the time and gas. And Im not involved in a missional community with which I serve. Not a biblical mandate, but a good example to set as part of church staff.

I also just wanted to be away from America, and confront issues of the last time I was gone, the pain and hurt of the situation that made me come back.

But there were somethings I didn’t know God was going to want to talk about.

Like…comfort, and where I’ve placed it.

Like who I think I am, and who he’s actually molding me to be.

Like how, in the continuous 2.5 years since I’ve left (leaving America is like a reset button for me) I’ve allowed myself a little wastefulness here, a little there, forgetting the passion and vigor or true love and generosity.

Or like how much I can appreciate that he’s calmed and queited my very heart. (Yep. shoulda known 22 year old me. No. I’m glad you didn’t!)

So I may have known on Dec 1 that come Uganda, we’d be having some serious sessions together, but I didn’t know he was coming to the table with SO MUCH that I wasn’t aware was an issue.

I mean, I think a lot. I am already aware of a lot of issues.

Just, not as many as God is. ;)

So right now I’m just soaking up the miracle of His PERFECT timing. That only he could pull together a trip like this, 13 days away from everything my life involves right now, back in a place that reminds me of my former dreams, time when I cannot be involved with movies and music and all of the GREAT blessings of home that I let become distractions from Him.

And right at the beginning of a new year and a new semester.

And right when I CAN take a break from school and work without fretting about it.

And right when I NEED to be away and, honestly, Hoyt sorta needs me to be away.

And right when, if I were home, I’m just sure I’d be a messy ball of fearful folly,

God said, “Hey baby, this is no good for you. I’m going to take you to Africa. Let’s date, you and me. Let me have your attention and let me enthrall you.”

where most of the enthralling happened