Someone(thing) keeps stealing my dang words.

IT occurs to  me what a different statement that would be if  someone (thing) were  steeling them. hmm.

I have thoughts and develop them and want to write them out. There are a lot of very good things keeping me from being able to do thats .

 

Busyness is not stranger to me. Work and school are like home, both because I spend a lot of time there and because I feel comfortable, good, secure in those settings. But in the path I’ve been down lately, there hasn’t been a lot of time for ruminating on individual thoughts. For putting them down and crossing them out and highlighting and regurgitating and chewing on again, which maybe sounds gross but is also how a lot of creatures best process the things they take in. I am a human but sometimes I am like a cow in many ways. We all are. (yes. sometimes you are like a cow. it’s complex and complimentary and confusing and appalling and no synnonym for appalling starts with “c”. sorry.)

i wanted this cow to mean something...but all i can think of is tacos de lengua. mmmmm.

i wanted this cow to mean something…but all i can think of is tacos de lengua. mmmmm.

In my busyness of life right now, there are moments and miles and memory-making, but little of the wondering and pondering I quite love.

So it is that my words are not here. I don’t know where they are. I know I’ve had them, things to say and share and leave for you eyes to travel over, for your hearts to respond to. I’ve had words but not put them on paper or interweb or even said them to another human so that my iron edges may be sharpened. I am becoming dull.

Fabs  is a person with thoughts and feelings. I wanted to introduce her like “Fabs is amazing.” or “Fabs is the bee’s kness.” and I think both of those things are probably true (you know how i am with idioms) but they aren’t helpful in letting you why I’m participating in something she suggested. Fabs is a friend of mine. Depending on how you define friend. Sometimes I question if statuses change and do life stages in friendship, or if like family, your cousin stays your cousin no matter how long it’s been. (Trust me. I have cousins. There is no statue of limitations on this.)  So,  this person, named Fabs, has a blog. On said blog, she posted an opportunity for success. (That’s what i like to call these things. Reframe, ppl.)

Since she writes about  thoughts, feelings, her thoughts about her feelings, etc,  this all makes some semblance of sense in my head.

But not completely. Because, the one(thing) has been an unrepentant little thief. And with my words gone, I have little for this particular medium. I haven’t been taking many pictures, either. (it’s been maybe a month since I took a picture with David. #whereismymind)

In the absence of words, there is still ache. Ache that knows that these times are good while the days are still evil. Ache to run and jump and play, though i really need some sleep. Ache that accepts and welcomes my current life stage, and wonders what else to hope for.

Ache that wants to sit and talk about my First Love. Like last night, when I stayed up two extra hours, talking with good friends. Friends with whom you let your shield down, and then, disagree over what a shield is ;). Ache that reminds me that even when I have no words,

i am still alive.

 

 

Advertisements

What’s next and Why I’ve Been Gone

Sometimes there are things that, because you can’t talk about them right away, you need to wait. Until things calm down, until you have the proper words, until the sting goes away.

And there are some things that you have to just say. This is a little of both.

I’ve been M.I.A. from the interweb world for the past few weeks. I didn’t have internet at home, life was busy like whoa, and some great/awful things happened.

You know. Great/awful. Like, my great grandmother, a woman who we joked would NEVER die, died. Awful. But I got to go to Tennessee, I spent 24 hours in the car with my mom AND ENJOYED IT, I saw my daddy and generally learned to experience that whole side of the family in a new way/was challenged to see my sin in the way I view them now.  Great!

But I tell you, it’s God mercy to me that things have been so crazy, because something that happened weeks ago is something I can just now update you on, because I needed this time so I could tell you and make sure it was the truth, and not just how it feels (especially because at first, it did NOT feel anything like what it actually is). I should get to “it,” right?

 

Okay, some of you knew, some of you didn’t, that my next “step” in life, after myKidStuff internship was up, was to begin student counseling at a Gospel Counseling Center. It was something I was super excited, although never fully peaceful, about. I was hesitant to talk about it for some time because it just always felt a little off. (You non-feelers have NO idea what I’m talking about) But it seemed clear that this was the next logical step, a great opportunity, and an amazing chance to hone skills that I definitely want in my professional career.

A few weeks ago, while discussing the details of the job, those involved (myself included) determined that I was not yet ready for this role.

In the interest of keeping minds from wandering, I will share a few details:

There was no moral failure on anyone’s part, though some honest mis-communication.

I didn’t fail to grow in any way that was ever asked of me.

But I’m just not ready for this exact role.

I (as well as my professors) feel I AM equipped to give beyond-adequate care in a student counselor role.

But that’s not what’s being asked of me.

 

I won’t be working there. But nothing is wrong, no one has been wronged, or failed, and life is still just as beautiful.

 

Now, that’s all I’m gonna say about that.

 

HOWEVER:

Get ready for some AWESOME coming your way. Complete with a new house where I live that i LOVE LOVE LOVE, a new semester of awesome learning opportunities, and random musings of conviction, love, and life as your favorite gypsy/counselor/fashion-wanna-be. Oh and pictures. I haven’t been posting them, but i HAVE been taking pictures. :)

Predictions

If you had told 20 year old me

that 25 year old me

would be spending a Sunday afternoon like this:

Research Methods

i TOTALLY freaked out the girl behind me by setting this to snap a photo while i worked

she would have laughed. and, if truly convinced of the prediction, probably cried. But 25 year old me is pretty pleased with it.

 

(not SO pleased that I don’t need a break between chapters!)

Insomnia/Falling in the Toilet/I’m a Klingon

You see this face?

THIS face

THIS is the face of a girl who just fell in her dang toilet.

I’ve been talking lately about love. How the love songs I’m hearing and the engagment stories I get to be a part of and the weddings i go to and heck, even the friend’s-future-spouses I pray for just make my heart happy. But you know the point at which all this crap (and i totally say this with a smile on my face) gets old? The point at which your roommate’s fiance leaves the toilet seat up!

a girl's hiney oughta be SAFE in her own home!

I’M LOOKING AT YOU, CAPITÀN!

Oh, and you see this braid?

i like the natural poses

yeah, I finally learned how to do that little lauren conrad braid in a way that stays (i.e i’m not messing with my bangs all day). Except I scrunch up my forehead a lot. So I can’t tell if it’s totes adorbs…

alien look enhanced with hair down

or if I look like I’m half klingon.

he's so saucy.

oh my holy hottness, y'all. Try not to stumble.

so it’s equally likely i’ll wear one all the time or never again. Except for tomorrow. cause I don’t want to wash my hair.

anyway, i have to wake up for FOUR STRAIGHT HOURS of class in the morning, enbeedee. Just can’t sleep so it seemed like a good time for a photo shoot.

(#10 was true)To Future Clients: Please be Aware

to those of you still confused on which one was a lie, we haven’t gotten there yet. I can tell you that #10 was true, and I planned on telling you all about hanging out with so many fun people (including ash (dust) and colt (like colt 45, the gun) ) but you know what? my brain is too full to type and i didn’t take one single picture. but i do have this post which is tangentially related. :)

I love you.

I promise I love you.

I love you because God has loved me so much, but I love you with joy and intention.

I love you so much that I pay attention in 3 hour classes.

and as you may become aware, I am NOT specifically skilled in being still that long. But for you, for you I do it.

I read long articles until my eyeballs hurt,  so I can learn how to help you

because some day you’ll be sitting in front of me, asking me to help you

to help you not hurt.

So right now, I’m making decisions. Making sacrifices, for you. Choosing to work on a project rather than go out. Choosing to make time to study rather than make time to date. Choosing to take extra classes and extra exams to be able to help you, your spouse, and your children (or, maybe your parents, little bit and man cub. Yes, that may be what I call you someday).

But I want you to know something: I want you to know that I DO NOT RESENT YOU FOR THESE CHOICES. Let me re-iterate: I LOVE YOU. And love

is patient

(so i will spend years of my life preparing for you. i will not rush.)

is kind

(so i CARE about your hurts and hangups, and i want to help)

is not self seeking

(so it’s not the biggest deal that I don’t get to go out much right now)

it does not envy or boast

(which means that my eventual degree, accreditation, and license don’t make me better than you, it just means i get to be your helper!)

it is not arrogant or rude

(so i’m not gonna throw this stuff in yo’ face!)

it does not insist on it’s own way

(so you wanna talk, we’ll talk. you wanna sit, we’ll sit. i’m about you, about advocating for you, and though i come in knowing things that could help, i won’t insist that they will, if those things scare you or make you uncomfortable)

it is not irritable or resentful

(so my bad day? it’s not going to end up hurting you. God willing. I’ll try, i promise.)

it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth

(so i care about what has happened to you, and what you’ve done. But i care more about who God says you are. Oh child!)

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

So what I’m saying is, thank you for this chance to learn. Thank you for challenging me in new ways. Every. Stinking. Day. Thank you for the chance to learn about our Father in about a zillion new ways. Thank you for the chance to be useful. To know you. To Love you.

Dear Grad School (#17)

Thank you that even though they are so long and confusing I often want to cry,

my exams are online.

so i can take them out on my porch

wrapped up in my totally mis-matched outside comforter

image

on my soft wool carpet

image

leaning against my cheap thritfy remind-me-of-retro-inspired-because-they-are-actually-from-the-early-90’s outside cushions.

image

in the sunshine

propped up on my little rolly table

sometimes sitting in my repurposed chair

image

in sunglasses.

;)

(chair, table, and cushions re purposed during the Great Patio Outfitting of 2011. Total cost $13 w/ comfy cozy wool carpet included.)

“I Mean, it’s not a Terrible grade…”

yeah, that’s what my professor said today while she was handing me back my essay.

She gave me an 86,

but I probably deserved a lot less.

it honestly was nowhere near my best work.

not that my best work is what i was going for. because if we’re honest, what i really want is an A.

just like a lot of times, what I really want is to be a size 6.

because i believe, somewhere in the ugly parts of my heart, that numerical (or alphabetical) evaluations of me are the real ones, the ones that matter.

lemme lechoo in on a leeetle secret:

they aren’t.

that being said, i’m going to go work on another final, and study some theories even though I’ve already finished the class ’cause FO REAL, DO, i have NO idea what the difference between REBT, CBT, and Existential Angst are.

and who doesn’t want to learn about angst?

Twenty Truths and a Lie

Have you ever played that game “Two Truths and a Lie?”

It’s a getting-to-know-you game that you play with people who haven’t heard your life story. You tell them two true things and one false thing and they guess which one is the falsie. (Oh mercy. Augmentation jokes running through my head!) 

Well since I’ve been off-line for 6.5 weeks, I decided I will tell you all about my adventures – but first I’m going to make a list of them and one will be an adventure that I did not have (although maybe one I want to) and it’s up to you to figure out which one did NOT happen. Then, once you’ve guessed, I’ll go through telling, or at least summarizing, the stories.

Yes, I’m going to purposely tell the truth but kinda stretch it to be funny and challenging on this list. BECAUSE IT’S A FUN GAME, PEOPLE FRIENDS!  I’ll clarify upon elaborations. Ready?

1) I got arrested and became (or realized I was) an accused felon.

2) I tuned into a mermaid.

3) Bruce (my car) denied me access to himself. Twice.

4) Bruce (Willis) just made me fall more in twitterpation.

5) With much alacrity (almost not sarcasm) decided to start selling my body for money.

6) A surprise trip to San Antonio with a boy turned into pretty pretty baked goods for me and the squeezies.  A surprise trip to Dallas turned into an awful fight.

7) A planned trip to Tennessee showed me my sin and how much I need a travel buddy.

8) I finally, not of my own choice,  gave up my lovey. 25 years was all the life he had in him.

9)  After hearing mean awful things from a mouth pledged to protect, I saw myself the way God did.

10) I signed up for my first counseling conference. I’ll go w a woman called dust and a man named after a gun.

11) Oh and speaking of counseling,  last week in class, we had a memorial service for a cat. We all sat and mourned a cat we never met.

12) I finally started the process to get official on the dyslexia diagnosis.

13) coincidentally? I started going blind.

14) And deaf.

15)  Being away from posting social media was not hard.

16) Admitting that I metaphorically run to reading other’s social media posts was. So I started cutting myself off from google reader. Or, I thought about it at least.

17) Broke from lawyer fees and stressed for time, I decided to buy and re purpose patio furniture. #logic

18) Starting LTG with two amazing ladies showed me that I have THE best friends. But no best friend. It also made me realize that $50 is not always too much to spend on dinner.

19) I considered that I might have the gift. You know. THE gift. ;)

adorabuns. can't we all just get along?

20)I started, went through, and ended a relationship mostly kept from those around me.

21) I spent my favorite day of the year with a few thousand of my closest relatives.

And there you have it, peoplefriends. So what’s you’re best guess? Leave comments below and I’ll make cookies or something for the first person who correctly guesses.

What I Need

This was sort of a weird week, fundswise.

Let me back up.

I knew this semester I was going to need more money than last. I live on$750/month (pre tax) and I budget it. I didn’t budget in anything frivilous, so I use all my money each month. But I knew I’d need more. For a couple of reasons:

I knew I’d be driving more. A LOT more. Round Rock once more a week plus all the driving that comes with supporting a growing ministry.

Then gas prices happened.

And some of my supporters simply weren’t able to commit past Dec. (Thank you so much for any amount and any time you could do!) meaning that this semester was going to need more cash than last.

 

All of that came to a big head on Wednesday, when we had a support mtg. Now don’t freak out. For now (until april) I’m good. Good as in I wont take a pay cut. But still wont be making enough to cover new expenses.

And this month car insurance is due.

And by April I have to find a new phone plan.

And I’m taking a trip next week to Tennessee to see my dad (which no, i can’t afford, but if ever there was a sacrifice worthy of figuring things out or going in to debt, seeing my dad once a year is it).

So, as you can imagine, I was concerned. I thought of the different ways I could get this extra cash

1) cut out a lot of food. basically eat nutritional crud. cause crud is cheap.

2) donate plasma::shudder::

3)start babysitting again

4)find some other job

5)do more fundraising.

 

Options 1-4 all meant  one big thing: NOT TAKING CARE OF MYSELF.

I can honestly and openly say that I’ve budgeted my money and my time prayerfully and well. That I am not wasteful with either of them. So to take any of the measures listed from 1-4 would mean running myself down. Not being able to work well, study well, and care for myself. I don’t want to make a decision that means not caring for myself. That’s not noble, it’s disrespectful to and dismissive of the one beloved by my God.

So i considered fundraising again. Passively. As a thing I’d do when I got desperate cause it’s not exciting to me and I’m busy and I am a  complain-y turd some times.

All of this in the past week.

 

THEN:

Saturday a dad from KidStuff meets with a friend and me because God has moved his heart to start supporting us. He looks at me and says,”What you do is valuable and God is moving through it. I love the honesty in your blogs and that’s good too. But you have to tell people what you need. You have to tell them.”

okay. i get the hint. the over-my-head-with-a-2X4 hint.

Then yesterday at work, I get an email from the online donation site telling me a couple from church has decided (without even talking to me) to give me a one-time gift of $250.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Later in the day, feeling rather encouraged and like God is telling me to get off my tail and do the dang thing, I see the ONE PERSON I’ve been thinking promised to support but never did. And by i see I mean he texted/called/searched me out cause he was at the Stone and wanted to see me. “How are ya, darlin’?” “I’m good but i need you to support me cause you said you would and never did!” “Well, send me the link. Done.”

wow. just wow. Okay. I get it. I need to let people know what I need. I need to take care of myself. I need, based on the over shoot of taxes and admin, to raise another $250/month.

 

So can you help me do that? Can you help me quickly bring in another $250/month?

 

If you haven’t already supported me, ANY AMOUNT of monthly donations from here-August would be SO appreciated. Seriously. 25 @ $10 a pop and I’m set.

If you already do, but are interested in supporting me more, that’s great too!!

And if you are one of those creative supporters who can’t contribute money but can look around for things, i need: size 10 curvy jeans, food, COFFEE, gas cards.

I don’t need: much of anything else really. I’ve scoured my expenses and I spend on: food, gas, giving, and a  bit of entertainment/art supplies. That’s it! I’m easy!

 

okay. that didn’t kill me. I can tell people what I need.

assorted array

::A list of things that could each be their own entry, if time had allowed, and equally randcom photos::

Churches aren’t perfect, neither are people. And neither am I.  But I want to love churches. I want to love people. I even want to love me. Because God says I’m special to him, and that He loves me,so that seems reason enough for me to do the same.

 

I like to call this, "asking for trouble"

 

 

Some people have trouble loving others. Some have trouble loving themselves. Both of these things reflect pride – a belief that their judgement of a situation is more perfect than the judgement of the One Righteous Judge.

 

In grad school, you get to use a big-boy hole-punch. 40 PAGES!

 

 

The cannon of beauty takes into account none of the beauty of surprises and idiosyncrasies. Your big nose and little eyes and wonky ears and veiny feet were on purpose….

she said….just before she wondered what place that purpose has in a child with a cleft lip, or mal-formed hands. Did God mean for Quasimodo to have corrective surgery?

You should love your tree.

 

Red Raider, Tech Logo, Goal Post and....RAINBOW UNICORN?!

 

 

When we err on the side of being conservative, we are still erring. Yes. Some people call us conservative. And just because it makes us more comfortable doesn’t make it right.

The happy medium may not be on the narrow road.

I still love the sunshine on my skin. And have crispy face right now.

I’m a sinner. Even though I spend a lot of time at church.

If I saw as poorly as i slept…..oh wait.

You know, “Are you okay to drive?” Is a rather silly question to ask when someone  has trouble recognizing you from 10 feet away. I can see cars. I don’t have to be able to tell you if they had a ding 3 inches below the back passenger door handle to effectively navigate a highway.  But thank you for caring.

 

SPECK is a ONE YEAR OLD! And what a mature one. Ate his birthday cupcake with a SPOON.

 

 

“I don’t want to waste my time if she has a boyfriend,” leads me toward thinking you feel that caring for and pouring into a person regardless of the benefit to you is seen as “wasting your time.”  To which I lovingly disagree. But you’re a busy dude, I understand what you meant. ;)

The books of Acts is crazy. It should be an HBO mini series.

COWBOY UP, CREAM PUFF, BE A MAN. By which I mean, pull up your britches and do the dang thing, whatever the dang thing is, regardless of your gender. ‘Cause we don’t want to waste our time.

 

Gluten Free cookie MIX tastes awful. But baked, these babies were beautiful.

 

 

Lady Gaga is brilliant and I’m rather sure that if I met her on the street, she’d be kind. And if I could wear a sign that said “satire” I’d walk around singing Born This Way everywhere I went.

Most people tell me they don’t understand most things I say.

“It was only a kiss.” I’m Latin.

THAT IS NOT SIN, IT’S JUST COMPLICATED.

 

before

 

 

While talking about the newest controversy, I bemoaned the hurt hearts of a religious leader’s followers who may now feel betrayed. The roommate bemoaned those led astray by his faulty teaching. I said I wasn’t worried about them, becuase the ones meant to know the truth would, in the end. “This,” she finished,”Is the difference between a harmonizer and a persister.”

 

after

 

 

I truly believe that if I stay single forever, life will be brilliant, beautiful, awful, exciting, painful, and adventurous. I’m on board for that, jic.

possible new header